Skip to main content

My Dinner with Darla

I used to go to Payless shoe stores quite often to buy my shoes. Not only where the prices low but they had the larger sizes that larger and taller women like me need. During these visits I would see the same girls and eventually struck up a bit of a rapport with a young woman (we'll call her Darla). She was super helpful and I was flattered by the fact that in her eyes I passed as a woman. The way she treated me had me convinced that she believed I had been born as such. She ended up, however, leaving that particular store and I lost sight of her for a long period.

Lo and behold, during one of my outings a few months ago I ran into her in the street. She was very friendly and we ended up exchanging cell phone numbers. After that she would text me and I would text her periodically and we joked about getting together one day. So when the opportunity finally came a couple of weeks ago (our calendars finally aligned) we agreed to meet up for a drink at 6 pm on a Friday evening.

I must admit that I had some trepidation about passing an extended period of time "en femme" and somehow blowing my cover in front of her. Then having to back track and explain that it was all an elaborate trick I was playing. I had told her I was married and had children which was true but I never told her I was the husband in that arrangement. So that afternoon I almost backed off and cancelled. I thought a lot about what to wear and how to explain that I was transgendered (should it come to that).

Since it was a warm and muggy day, I opted for a pink top, flowery skirt and ballerina flats. I left the house early and decided to just walk around the city a bit before meeting up. When the moment came she called me and told me where she was and I walked up to meet her. The first thing she did was give me a nice kiss on both cheeks and we started walking to our agreed little bistro. That evening, not only was the conversation entirely charming but we shared a lot of deeper feelings about ourselves (her brother had committed suicide a few years ago)and I felt quite honored that she could trust someone this much that she had only sold shoes to. She asked me about my kids and my husband and I decided to tell her that he and I were breaking up (not entirely untrue since I was splitting up with my girlfriend).

In the end what struck me is that I really felt privy to a this bond that women feel when they are amongst themselves and sharing their feelings. I drove her home that night thinking that I had passed some sort of test. Not that I had fooled someone but that I had been included in a sorority of real women at least for that night and come away richer for it.


  1. Based on what I've experienced, women tend to build relationships, real connections instead of just acquaintances. You passed the test - she felt she could relate to you as a female, and treated you as such. But now, you will always have to relate to her as a female would - so to show her the same respect she showed you....

  2. I agree Chris. Thanks for the advice. I do take these things seriously...


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…