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of jitters and solitude...

I still get the jitters (although increasingly much less) before an outing as myself. I say myself because I am wondering if I wouldn't be dressing female every day if I could. There is still that excitement of walking out the door as Joanna and going into a bus or a crowded mall. Of course the sheer dread I used to experience is gone;that awful trepidation about stepping out of the car and facing the stares of others and being rewarded all the more by appearing jittery and nervous.

I am now calm and collected when out in public but it does take me a little while to get into that 'zone' where I am totally relaxed. So those jitters may be more linked to excitement than fear.

It is interesting to trace the steps I have taken to arrive at where I am today. When I look at those early pictures of Joanna I see a hesitant crossdresser. Now as I view a couple of recent pics I am seeing more a woman. That excites and frightens me at the same time. After all I have lived almost 50 years of my life in male mode and abiding by society's model of what a male should be. Maybe it's the natural progression that age and maturity bring; and as we shed our cares of what others think the real person emerges.

I am going to start to enjoy the solitude after this break up if for no other reason that it will afford me the reflection that needs to happen in my life. What an interesting period indeed

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