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facsimile of a woman....

By now I know I could get used to living as a woman. You could say it's a role I've been rehearsing for my whole life; at least at a surface level. Practicing to walk in heels, wearing makeup, trying to move gracefully. But here's the thing; I don't need to do anything about it. I can just perfect the role. I mean I'll never really BE a woman. Best case would be a reasonable facsimile. I know a lot of transsexual women would vehemently disagree with that statement, but for me it really applies. I share the view that Kate Bornstein has adopted, in that she feels neither male nor entirely female. She is her own gender construct.

I consider myself a hybrid of sorts. It doesn't matter which sexual organs I have and if I transition and then stay a lesbian I won't be able to make love the same way anymore. For the true transsexual the need to complete the process is an essential element in becoming a complete woman. Especially if you intend to be heterosexual in your adopted gender role.

I intend to perfect my impersonation of the feminine. This is something that needs to be expressed (whether I like it or not apparently) and I seem to be hard wired for it.I will continue to do it until such time as it no longer suits me and I need to adapt to my new reality at the time.


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You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

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An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

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The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…