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more at home in the dress...

I have noticed that the more time I am spending as a woman, the more natural I am feeling in that role. So for me living part time will be a test to see how I want to live my life - be it part time woman or full time. The only reason for opting for full time being that I cannot balance both gender roles and I am forced to choose.

Interestingly, the time spent as Joanna is becoming comfortable but I can also tell that I am still in crossdresser mode because I will get home, spend an hour more in the dress and then change back. A good deal of that relates to the way I dress now to go out - falsies, hip padding, makeup, etc. But when the girl guise comes off it feels like I am back in boy mode even if my brain is still in girl mode (or just ME mode).

I read an interesting post on Jack Molay's crossdreamers site that deals with the similarities between the genders. The essence of the text is that there is more difference of typical male or female behavior within each gender than between men and women. I find that completely fascinating and anecdotally true; we have all known people from either gender who are much more like the other gender and they don't label themselves as trans. Again extremely fascinating because that means that there are other triggers in the trans brain that push us towards our opposite gender and liberation seems to come with a complete switch. Why can't I be more feminine and still be a man and why is that notion only mildly appealing?

Sometimes I'll be getting ready for work in the morning and have my slacks and shirt on but still have my ballerinas and earrings on. The contrast is striking and I have thought at times: why need these clothing elements be mutually exclusive? I need to understand my own answers to these questions in order to find a life balance for myself and until I am very certain that my dressing is in no way fetish based would I entertain the idea of dealing with my condition by living full time or transitioning.

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