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part time woman

I've come to a decision - I will stay a part time woman. At least for the foreseeable future.

My rationale involves my job, my children and the fact that I don't hate my male body. I am drawn to a female version of myself that is true but not enough to want to make that state permanent. The tradeoff works because Joanna gets to have her place in my life now. She will have her drawer of feminine things and a jewelry box but the male me doesn't need to die to make that happen.

My search for help will revolve more around getting moral support and possibly to help others as well. This will take the focus off myself and open up my horizons within the trans community. I am going to stick to this plan until something else comes around to replace it that makes more sense to me. If that never happens then so be it.I will see how my meeting with Ana goes on Tuesday and go from there.

PS: I know my posting habits are a little ererratic but I consider this blog more of a mental notepad than a daily journal. So that means several posts one day and none the next. Forgive me if that makes this blog harder to follow. I thank those who have followed thus far and hope you find my musings interesting and thought provoking. I see this opportunity to jot things down as personal therapy but I welcome your feedback very much.


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looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…