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the gift of melancholy

As we get older and we amass life experience we are able to view all of those things that have happened to us through more reflective and experienced lenses. We understand that life comes with challenges and having survived a number of experiences, we understand that there is another day coming when the pain will eventually subside.

I am reflecting on this because I am aware that I am enduring a period of melancholy. It is not really depression because I am feeling ok for the most part but it is a " taking stock of life melancholic mood".

Thomas Moore, in his book "care of the soul" says that "depression grants the gift of experience not as a literal fact but as an attitude towards yourself. You get a sense of having lived through something, of being older and wiser". Very true words because when understood in the context of life experience, a depressive or melancholic state can bring insight and allow feelings that only emerge in dark moods to surface. I think it can be a healing experience and allow us to grow. Almost as if a butterfly waiting to emerge from it's cocoon.

This reflective period will be good for me and being on my own with no other distractions, I will be able to build a new model for myself for the kind of life I want to lead from here on in. It's not that I care about chronological age but somehow this latest life change coinciding with my 50th year on this planet represents a benchmark for me.

I am shaking off the past and the things that weighed me down and will emerge from my stasus a new being. Hopefully a more enlightened one...


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If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…