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what's the payoff?

I'd love to understand what the payoff is and where it resides in the brain of us transgender folk. Why do we tend towards the opposite sex if everything else about us is physically normal. I know the theories of a hormone wash exists and is postulated by many in addition to the fact embryos start off as female and are only subsequently turned into males at a later stage of gestation.

I know it would change nothing for me in the end but somehow knowing that I had no part to play in driving this condition would be helpful to me personally. That's likely driven by the massive guilt I experienced as a child and well into adulthood.

It would at least remove the component that says this is my fault and that I could stop if only I had more willpower. Because for me this has been the worst part of this : thinking it was all my fault for being weak.

This very notion has driven my perception of myself and I think affected my self confidence growing up. This is no longer a factor at my age, but I wonder how things might have been if I had known and understood that I was within a known and accepted subset of society that simply is the way it is. Not a perverse bunch of horny paraphiliacs rubbing one off in front of a mirror in a cocktail dress. My instincts tell me I'm right but I would value the science a great deal if it were there and if it were more than a little conclusive.

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We had a nice conversation and at some point I mentioned the obvious which was that I had told her future husband that they might see me in a different guise from time to time so they wouldn't wonder about who the strange woman was. She just looked at me almost rolling her eyes while smiling from ear to ear and said:

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For the record she was also very complementary regarding my choice of attire.

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