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what's the payoff?

I'd love to understand what the payoff is and where it resides in the brain of us transgender folk. Why do we tend towards the opposite sex if everything else about us is physically normal. I know the theories of a hormone wash exists and is postulated by many in addition to the fact embryos start off as female and are only subsequently turned into males at a later stage of gestation.

I know it would change nothing for me in the end but somehow knowing that I had no part to play in driving this condition would be helpful to me personally. That's likely driven by the massive guilt I experienced as a child and well into adulthood.

It would at least remove the component that says this is my fault and that I could stop if only I had more willpower. Because for me this has been the worst part of this : thinking it was all my fault for being weak.

This very notion has driven my perception of myself and I think affected my self confidence growing up. This is no longer a factor at my age, but I wonder how things might have been if I had known and understood that I was within a known and accepted subset of society that simply is the way it is. Not a perverse bunch of horny paraphiliacs rubbing one off in front of a mirror in a cocktail dress. My instincts tell me I'm right but I would value the science a great deal if it were there and if it were more than a little conclusive.


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"Oh please its 2016!"

I have mentioned before that I have a lovely young couple living above the unit next to mine. Well the other day as I was getting in the door, she and I overlapped for the first time with me dressed as a woman.

We had a nice conversation and at some point I mentioned the obvious which was that I had told her future husband that they might see me in a different guise from time to time so they wouldn't wonder about who the strange woman was. She just looked at me almost rolling her eyes while smiling from ear to ear and said:

"Oh Please it's 2016!"

For the record she was also very complementary regarding my choice of attire.

I could care less at this point in my life what people think but it is still lovely to see the millennial generation's freedom of spirit and acceptance so lacking in previous generations. Yes they have their own foibles, as does every generation, but this area certainly isn't one of them.

the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria

The real science as to what causes gender dysphoria still awaits.

Harry Benjamin was on to something except he didn’t have the scientific evidence to back up his suspicions hence, like a true scientist, he negated to draw conclusions. His hunch, based on treating so many patients over his lifetime, was that one is born with a predisposition to be gender dysphoric.

However, with inconclusive brain scans and no DNA marker (as of yet) we are left with believing the word of people who need help and only want to lead happy and productive lives.

The best we have been able to muster since Benjamin's death in 1986 was to amass statistics on who gets a boner imagining themselves as a woman which is in equal parts pathetic and disappointing. For this is not really science at all but is instead playing with interview data that doesn't point to anything definitive or conclusive. I have dealt with this problem at great length in my blog.

The whole thing started with Kurt Freund's obses…

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…