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what's the payoff?

I'd love to understand what the payoff is and where it resides in the brain of us transgender folk. Why do we tend towards the opposite sex if everything else about us is physically normal. I know the theories of a hormone wash exists and is postulated by many in addition to the fact embryos start off as female and are only subsequently turned into males at a later stage of gestation.

I know it would change nothing for me in the end but somehow knowing that I had no part to play in driving this condition would be helpful to me personally. That's likely driven by the massive guilt I experienced as a child and well into adulthood.

It would at least remove the component that says this is my fault and that I could stop if only I had more willpower. Because for me this has been the worst part of this : thinking it was all my fault for being weak.

This very notion has driven my perception of myself and I think affected my self confidence growing up. This is no longer a factor at my age, but I wonder how things might have been if I had known and understood that I was within a known and accepted subset of society that simply is the way it is. Not a perverse bunch of horny paraphiliacs rubbing one off in front of a mirror in a cocktail dress. My instincts tell me I'm right but I would value the science a great deal if it were there and if it were more than a little conclusive.


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another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

the risks of downplaying dysphoria

Kati’s comment on my post called “Doubting you are trans” got me thinking about the validity of our feelings and the importance of not downplaying them.

Make no mistake: gender dysphoria is real and you are not delusional and by trying to downplay our emotional need to express ourselves we are making a mistake.

At the same time, I am very realistic about what I am doing to treat my dysphoria and understand that I was not born physically female. However, the idea that gender identity is established exclusively through birth genitalia has been pretty convincingly debunked which means that gender and its expression should be left up to the individual and not to society. But unfortunately, we live in a world where disobeying the rules leads to suffering through persecution.

Transition is one way to treat your “gender expression deprivation anxiety” (thank you Anne Vitale for that wonderful term) but it is not the sole method. However, denying that the feelings are real is a recipe for dep…