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and time goes on...

In a few days I will have reached half a century. I have been through a lot of experiences in my life and have learnt much about myself and others and I am still learning. I also have a renewed sense of fascination with the world because I see it from a different perspective now. I see it more for what it is because I have gained some experience and hopefully some wisdom in the process. I have learnt to love myself more and to not feel like I am hopelessly flawed. Yes I have many things to repair in my character but I would like to think I am essentially a good and decent person and I am a child of God. I was made perfect and it was society that messed up that perfection we are all born with.

I suppose we all learn this lesson that society is full of hypocrisy, pretence, jealousy and intolerance and we learn that to fit we come abide by its rules. The consequences of not doing so are paid with rejection and scorn from people who are generally beneath you. And there lies the interesting part in that it is the masses of uneducated and unscrupulous people of the world that are allowed to run it at their own discretion.

So even as my body ages over time, I would not trade the experiences I have amassed for a chance to return to youth if it were offered. Those days were lived and the insecurity and anguish that came with them has also passed. It is because of this experience that I am able to tackle the disphoria I have with more philosophy and patience than I would have thought possible. I am also learning that being alone is not a bad thing and infinitely better than being accompanied by the wrong person.

I will not compromise who I am (even if that means living the rest of my days somewhere between man and woman) and will aim for a balance that allows me to keep my boat steady. Life will throw waves at us and if we know how to ride them we will weather the storm far better.

Life seems to be lived in phases and transitions and I feel like I am in one now. It is a remaking of myself that will permit to figure out what kind of person I will be over the remainder of my life. A lot of my sacred cows and social conventions have been burned at the stake and what is left now is a person who can more clearly see through the layers of baloney that we are forced to deal with as human beings. My father used to say that as he aged he felt better and better and now I really I understand what he meant. If only he were still here now to hear me say it.

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