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being transgender...

Over time, I have come to appreciate and even embrace the term transgendered. Back when I was desperately trying to deny and disassociate myself from any traces that I might have this condition/disorder, I did not take its definition seriously and thought it to be a bit of a joke. I thought it an overly self important umbrella term for those who were trying to escape the reality of their birth gender; a moniker to hide behind. But as I have come to accept my own internal nature, I realize that there is a lot to this term and I find its inclusiveness comforting. I know I have been chided for saying that all of us under this umbrella are the same, but what I meant by this is that we are afflicted with a version of the same disphoria – a disconnect with our birth gender that compels us to be drawn to the other gender. Easy as it might be to simplify the behaviour of a transvestite as a man who gets kicks out of wearing women’s clothes, there is something beneath the surface that begs investigation. It is more than a sexual act and indeed over time the transvestite (or crossdresser) begins to learn that there was more than met the eye to their own behaviour – especially as one ages and is able to better analyze their own psyche. What was previously thought to be rooted in the erotic was found to be something else entirely. Indeed many people who once thought themselves to be simply crossdressers have gone on to realize that they needed to transition in order to be truly happy with themselves and their own bodies.

This has been much my own experience in ageing with this condition. It is morphing but ever present in my daily life. I think about it all throughout the day much like an obsession and I wonder sometimes whether transition would satiate that demand for my attention. I have read that once transsexuals move on with their new lives they no longer have to think about their disphoria. Instead, they now rightfully worry about social acceptance, job and family situation, etc but that nagging feeling that something needs repair in their own psyche has been dealt with. They have slaughtered their personal demons.

As for myself, I feel trapped in a twilight state to some degree and have accepted a dual gender role as my consolation wondering how long that definition will continue to suffice. I don’t want to push on with anything or convince myself of anything because self delusion can be a powerful thing. It can bring us to places where there is no going back and I won’t gamble my livelihood or my children’s well being with folly that I will regret later. I just need to allow for a slow gestation period to slow cook all of my brain confusion into something that I can grab a hold of. Once I feel I have come to an equilibrium will I stop over thinking things (one of my unfortunate traits).

But I am a relatively happy person and I have begun to emerge from the stupor of my breakup blues. With a more lucid mind I can better assess my situation and adjust accordingly; hopefully, in the right direction.


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another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…