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being transgender...

Over time, I have come to appreciate and even embrace the term transgendered. Back when I was desperately trying to deny and disassociate myself from any traces that I might have this condition/disorder, I did not take its definition seriously and thought it to be a bit of a joke. I thought it an overly self important umbrella term for those who were trying to escape the reality of their birth gender; a moniker to hide behind. But as I have come to accept my own internal nature, I realize that there is a lot to this term and I find its inclusiveness comforting. I know I have been chided for saying that all of us under this umbrella are the same, but what I meant by this is that we are afflicted with a version of the same disphoria – a disconnect with our birth gender that compels us to be drawn to the other gender. Easy as it might be to simplify the behaviour of a transvestite as a man who gets kicks out of wearing women’s clothes, there is something beneath the surface that begs investigation. It is more than a sexual act and indeed over time the transvestite (or crossdresser) begins to learn that there was more than met the eye to their own behaviour – especially as one ages and is able to better analyze their own psyche. What was previously thought to be rooted in the erotic was found to be something else entirely. Indeed many people who once thought themselves to be simply crossdressers have gone on to realize that they needed to transition in order to be truly happy with themselves and their own bodies.

This has been much my own experience in ageing with this condition. It is morphing but ever present in my daily life. I think about it all throughout the day much like an obsession and I wonder sometimes whether transition would satiate that demand for my attention. I have read that once transsexuals move on with their new lives they no longer have to think about their disphoria. Instead, they now rightfully worry about social acceptance, job and family situation, etc but that nagging feeling that something needs repair in their own psyche has been dealt with. They have slaughtered their personal demons.

As for myself, I feel trapped in a twilight state to some degree and have accepted a dual gender role as my consolation wondering how long that definition will continue to suffice. I don’t want to push on with anything or convince myself of anything because self delusion can be a powerful thing. It can bring us to places where there is no going back and I won’t gamble my livelihood or my children’s well being with folly that I will regret later. I just need to allow for a slow gestation period to slow cook all of my brain confusion into something that I can grab a hold of. Once I feel I have come to an equilibrium will I stop over thinking things (one of my unfortunate traits).

But I am a relatively happy person and I have begun to emerge from the stupor of my breakup blues. With a more lucid mind I can better assess my situation and adjust accordingly; hopefully, in the right direction.

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