Skip to main content

it's just clothes right??

These days I'm trying to really relax and reflect on how I feel when I'm out as Joanna. I've moved beyond the tension that was like a pall over everything; the incessant worry about passing and being detected. With the removal of this layer I can focus on the feelings and what it means to me to present as female. This is also being aided by my having made friends as a woman. The fact that I can be stealth with these women allows me to get a small taste of how it might be like to live full time.

It's not like I'm pushing to live full time as much as I want to test the envelope. I am after all just me under the clothes. Admittedly I feminize my way of speaking and using my hands for example but in a non overly exaggerated manner. I just naturally move into that mode and it feels comfortable.

My dilemma is that I want to stop crossdressing. I want it to stop and go on being a normal male or become a woman which is also no longer crossdressing. Being in the middle in this limbo feels wrong. My compulsion to dress as a woman can only be driven by 2 things:

1) a desire to be a normal woman
2) a desire to emulate a normal woman

Number 2 worries me because if I stay in that mode then I'm just a compulsive crossdresser. I don't want to be that because it takes you away from living normally. To complicate things further, I don't dress for sexual pleasure but instead because it feels right. I don't want to go clubbing in a short dress, I derive instead more pleasure out of grocery shopping as Joanna.

I am hoping that time and reflection will provide me with conclusions.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

prejudice disguised as objective rectitude

So here is Professor Jordan Peterson perhaps justly calling out the excesses of political correctness gone mad. But then he extends it to not indulging transgender people the basic dignity of being addressed in their preferred pronoun. To do so for him would cost nothing and to stand on literal principle seems to serve little use other than to send a message of disdain.

If you have transitioned or even live as the opposite gender is costs me nothing to address you in your preferred pronouns. What difference does it make to me and what am I trying to tell you when I don't?

Peterson wants to stand on his rights to call reality what it is except that in this case the exact objective escapes me. But of course the right wing Federalist is in love with him because he calls a spade a spade.

If I see a rock I can call it that but then the rock doesn’t have any feelings. To address a transgender woman "her" and "she" is not undermining my rights as a person in any way b…

"Oh please its 2016!"

I have mentioned before that I have a lovely young couple living above the unit next to mine. Well the other day as I was getting in the door, she and I overlapped for the first time with me dressed as a woman.

We had a nice conversation and at some point I mentioned the obvious which was that I had told her future husband that they might see me in a different guise from time to time so they wouldn't wonder about who the strange woman was. She just looked at me almost rolling her eyes while smiling from ear to ear and said:

"Oh Please it's 2016!"

For the record she was also very complementary regarding my choice of attire.

I could care less at this point in my life what people think but it is still lovely to see the millennial generation's freedom of spirit and acceptance so lacking in previous generations. Yes they have their own foibles, as does every generation, but this area certainly isn't one of them.

the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria

The real science as to what causes gender dysphoria still awaits.

Harry Benjamin was on to something except he didn’t have the scientific evidence to back up his suspicions hence, like a true scientist, he negated to draw conclusions. His hunch, based on treating so many patients over his lifetime, was that one is born with a predisposition to be gender dysphoric.

However, with inconclusive brain scans and no DNA marker (as of yet) we are left with believing the word of people who need help and only want to lead happy and productive lives.

The best we have been able to muster since Benjamin's death in 1986 was to amass statistics on who gets a boner imagining themselves as a woman which is in equal parts pathetic and disappointing. For this is not really science at all but is instead playing with interview data that doesn't point to anything definitive or conclusive. I have dealt with this problem at great length in my blog.

The whole thing started with Kurt Freund's obses…