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it's just clothes right??

These days I'm trying to really relax and reflect on how I feel when I'm out as Joanna. I've moved beyond the tension that was like a pall over everything; the incessant worry about passing and being detected. With the removal of this layer I can focus on the feelings and what it means to me to present as female. This is also being aided by my having made friends as a woman. The fact that I can be stealth with these women allows me to get a small taste of how it might be like to live full time.

It's not like I'm pushing to live full time as much as I want to test the envelope. I am after all just me under the clothes. Admittedly I feminize my way of speaking and using my hands for example but in a non overly exaggerated manner. I just naturally move into that mode and it feels comfortable.

My dilemma is that I want to stop crossdressing. I want it to stop and go on being a normal male or become a woman which is also no longer crossdressing. Being in the middle in this limbo feels wrong. My compulsion to dress as a woman can only be driven by 2 things:

1) a desire to be a normal woman
2) a desire to emulate a normal woman

Number 2 worries me because if I stay in that mode then I'm just a compulsive crossdresser. I don't want to be that because it takes you away from living normally. To complicate things further, I don't dress for sexual pleasure but instead because it feels right. I don't want to go clubbing in a short dress, I derive instead more pleasure out of grocery shopping as Joanna.

I am hoping that time and reflection will provide me with conclusions.

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