Skip to main content

more thoughts on being a woman

I used to work on my physical presentation as a woman because the goal was to get my outing to go well and not need to worry about being read ( as much as is possible given my 6' 1" frame). But the mental aspect was not worked on because I was denying any transgender feelings I was having. I was just a man putting on a dress and at some point a few days later, dropping my female clothes in a dumpster (a practice commonly called purging for those not familiar).

Once everything blew out in my mid 40's and I went to therapy to examine why I couldn't beat this "vice" did I realize there was more to my crossdressing than meets the eye. I was able to explore the early feelings I had as a child through a prism devoid of shame and guilt and more adequately begin to decipher the source of my desire to explore my femininity within the practice of crossdressing. What I had mistaken as fetishistic transvestism was actually more steeped in a deep desire to connect with something in my psyche.

So having this new found ability to analyze without judgement, I am left with the task of determining just how female I feel I am inside after I have spent decades learning to be a man and denying all possible avenues for my feminine side. I recall in high school saying to a colleague that you couldn't pay me enough money to dress up as a woman when deep down I knew the exact opposite was true and would have gladly done it for nothing. That kind of cover up requires practice and effort but in the process the real "you "gets left behind. What would I have done without the social and religious pressure I had to conform to an expected role? I am now in the process of finding out.

It's like unraveling the bandages of a long dead mummy and waiting to see what the corpse looks like underneath. It takes years to get where you are and hopefully not as many to unravel the mystery of your own core. There is still a lot of stigma to remove before I can visualize everything clearly.

Comments

  1. Wow! Reading this I realize how no matter where we are in this world, no matter which culture out of the several diverse existing in this planet, our experiences as gender-variant people are all so similar! So dramatically similar!
    I sometimes wonder if the various religions and cultures despite being opposed with one another on many aspects are not really united when it comes to discrimination against and oppression of trans people or for that matter, in aspects related to gender identity and expression.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

how times change

How times have changed.

Whereas transition was something not to even contemplate for us, here is a young trans person who felt the opposite pressure. She looks and sounds extremely passable but decided it wasn't for her despite the social media presence of young transitioners potentially inspiring her to.

We are all different and I happen to think she's rather a smart cookie as well...


indoctrination

As transgender people, organized religion hasn't really been our friend however on the other hand it has often had little to do with true spirituality. I needed to learn this over time and much of what I was taught growing up was steeped in the judgmental superstition of society instead of what some creator would demand of me.

Regardless of your belief system, you are a child of the universe and have been endowed with uniqueness and goodness of spirit. You have probably never wished anyone ill will and you have tried your best to live within the absurd coordinate system of humanity. Yet somehow belonging to the LGBT community was entirely your fault.

As I have grown older this inherent irrationality became increasingly evident to me. I knew I was a fundamentally good person and yet I was different in a way which was not of my choosing. Hence with this comprehension my self appreciation and esteem grew in proportion.

Religion for me today seems forever trapped in the misinterpretat…

more thoughts on cross gender arousal

I have been reflecting for many years on how cross gender arousal originates.

Firstly, the transgender child has already exhibited (or hidden) some gender variance for several years before they arrive at puberty (I wasn't older than 4 when scolded for wearing my mother's shoes). But when they hit puberty a dilemma occurs: the object of the sexual attraction is also someone whose gender they identify with either fully or partly. This contradiction affects the imprinting of the sexual identity but it is not well described as target location error but rather as a pull in two separate directions which leaves the gynephilic adolescent facing two distinct paths. I was keenly aware of this problem but wanted to be normal so I suppressed the dysphoric feelings as hard as I could. I wasn't attracted to my own image as a woman but rather to the idea of being a desirable woman as well as being with one. That juxtaposition fused to my gender core and I was left with a riddle to solve:…