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my children

I love my children dearly. They did not ask to come into this world and I have a responsibility towards them that will not waiver. And yet I am concerned that this process I am going through will result in my discovering that I am a latent transsexual. This is something that is keeping me grounded and away from needing to want to be a transsexual. Right now things are manageable as I try to unearth who I really am after decades of denial. Things are buried so deep that I suspect it will take some time before I have an answer. So I stick to the line that I am trans and can tow the line between both genders. Maybe if I repeat it enough it will stick and avoid a mess.

My children know I crossdress but have never been exposed to it. It was not my intent to tell them but my ex gf went ahead and spilled the beans. I don't necessarily think that was a bad thing mind you because it has opened up the lines of communication between us on that front. I have been able to explain a bit about my struggles to them and it has lifted a huge burden from my shoulders. Still I worry that this knowledge will encourage me to travel further down that path. It's easy to convince ourselves that kids are buoyant and can roll with the punches. While that can be true I know that the divorce they witnessed did have an impact and they have literally come out and told me that they would be distraught if I became a woman.

I pray about all this and will give myself gestation time. Maybe circumstances will fall into place and help me develop some certainty either way. Lord give me strength.

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