Skip to main content

my own version of stealth

At this point I am acquainted with a series of women who think that I am the soon to be divorced mother of 2 teens. They have asked me about my fictional husband, whether I breast fed my children, about my life as a working mom and many more things that have boosted my confidence and as a result my presentation as a woman. All of the previous work I had done on my voice, my laser treatments, my make up skills, etc have all paid off and I am reaping the benefits of that labour.

My dilemma is that I hate lying to these women. Some of these relationships were accidental in that in testing my ability to pass, I ended up caught in a web not realizing it would work better than expected. So while I have now proven to myself that my combination of genetics and hard work have produced a working version of Joanna, I now almost don't know what to do with her and how far to take her.

Certainly, I do very much value the relationships I have made and want to honour them as much as possible but I am concerned about slipping up one day and having one of them accuse me of malicious deceit. This would be maybe well deserved (I don't know) but I am hoping that at this point the frequency of overlap with these women will stay at a level to keep the status quo manageable.

What a tangled web and yet what a wonderful experience to be accepted as a woman by other women.

This evening a young woman talking on her cell phone opened the door for me as I entered the mall. Upon my thanking her and her replying don't mention it, the person she was speaking to prompted her to reply:"oh I was just talking to a lady". She made my day.

Comments

  1. So now you are "passing" as a woman. You are not really a woman but as a result of, "All of the previous work I had done on my voice, my laser treatments, my make up skills, etc have all paid off and I am", with just a few "white lies", able to convince others that you are, even though you know you are not.

    What usually happens in this situation is the incongruity will drive you mad. Despite everything that those in the "trans* community" will tell you, you will have to find better way.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So here is the "bottom line" as I see it. You stated earlier that the "hybrid" approach works well for you. You pass easily and a "fullblown life explosion" could be catastrophic.

    IMHO you are definately "trans". So fine. Live with it. Embrace it, enjoy it and do not allow it to overwhelm your life.

    Best wishes,

    AQV

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am trying not to let that happen. I hope that the excitement of being on my own and going out all the time dies down and eventually I achieve an equilibrium. Otherwise it will drive me mad...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think that is a very good observation quiet voice that "I know I am not" or at least I am not sure yet. I either case I would prefer to find a life balance that involves doing as little as possible to change the status quo.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AQV - You make a lot of sense....

    As I see it, a full transition is something which must be carefully thought out. There are too many impulsive people out there who think they know everything, and jump in - only to find that reality is not as pleasant as their fantasies. Reality can suck - especially if you're not prepared for it.

    No transition can make up for the time one spent in a pre-transition gender. A middle aged person would not have the childhood, the adolescence, or the early adulthood of the "chosen" gender. This is very important. How does one respond to a normal question such as: "What was your girlhood like?" when one crossed from male to female as an adult?

    Today, they are diagnosing transgender in children, and dealing with it as a medical need early in life. Hopefully, for the next generation of transgendered people, that as many years as possible can be spent as their "preferred" genders. If a person has a small number of years in the wrong gender, most of that person's years will be spent in the right gender - and infertility might be the only important difference when these children become adults....

    M

    ReplyDelete
  6. Marian that is right. I was probably a good candidate when I was a child and am fairly sure I could have had a successful transition. But those were the dark ages. A lot of these websites (like pinkessence) are full of gung ho transitioners who are still married and looking for acceptance from family and friends and then throwing caution to the wind with a full blown transition ASAP. thet are asking for trouble in my opinion. Were I to absolutely need to transition I would try and do all my homework in advance...

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…