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No Cakewalk

A Quiet Voice (a poster who has responded to a few of my blog entries) was kind enough to forward me a copy of a document titled “A Realistic Guide to the Transitional Journey”. It’s written by a transitioned transsexual woman who, aside from explaining in Chapter 1 the definitions of the types of transgender people (CD, TV, TS, etc), goes on to give detailed information regarding the pitfalls of transitioning. It is well written, frank and removes all of the glossy aspects of wanting to transition for those who might think it’s a cakewalk. Whether it be the realities of hormones, job challenges, loss of spouse etc., its all dealt with in a bluntness that should be required reading for anyone even contemplating making such a drastic change in their lives. Aside from some disagreements I have on the definition of transvestite and crossdresser (which seem to be reversed) I have no issue at all with the document.

Unfortunately, it does not make things any clearer for me. I am desperately trying to deal with a situation that is not going to go away and since I don’t dress for fetish reasons, have pictures of myself on the internet in 6” pumps and lingerie, sleep with strange men, masturbate in front of a mirror, etc. I am left with the same dilemma.

I don’t want to transition because I don’t want to screw up my life so drastically. I would be one of those late transitioners that tries to remake their lives three quarters of the way through so instead I am opting to try and live part time as best I can. To borrow an expression from the text, my bell may be about to ring but I am trying to find a way to deaden the sound if I can. So call me a transvestite and I'll happily take up the term as my new moniker....


  1. Joanna -

    You are like me - the cost of a full transition (career, family, friends, etc.) is way too dear to pay at this time. Luckily, I am comfortable enough in a male presentation that I can avoid making an irreversible decision.

    But there are prices we pay for our decisions. If we were to have chosen full transition when young, we'd have more years to have lived in the mode we prefer. But we'd pay a higher price up front when we are most vulnerable. There would be benefits though - years of male hormones would not have flowed through our systems, and our bodies would not have been sculpted by these hormones. If we choose transition later on in life, we have to deal with voice, beard, facial feminization, etc., in addition to the same issues of family, friends, career, etc.... There is no comfortable middle ground for us.

    Could things be better? Yes, in an ideal world. But we don't live in that world. Many people look at life through a set of binary lenses. They see humanity defined (in part) as male or female, regardless of the 1 in 10,000 that are born intersexed. Of course, let's not talk about homosexuality, which is present in 1%-5% of the population as a whole. Anything that challenges this binary view threatens an overall view of the universe - so the narrow minded toss out evidence, and try to squeeze reality into their definitions, rather than expand those definitions.

    What does this mean for us? To me, it means that I have to work harder to define myself - and make sure that that definition is easy to pick up. People will ignore "minor" incongruencies with someone and their definitions, when the overall presentation agrees with their own definitions. Once we send out enough signals, the other person's mind overrides flaws in a presentation, and will accept us for what we want to be.

    So don't worry about your definition of self. Instead, be concerned about how you want others to define you when you are in their presence. If you provide others with enough appropriate cues, they will see you as you want them to see you....

  2. Joanna. I am sure you realize that this "Realistic Guide" was written by,and reflects the personal perspective of one individual only. That is not to say that her experience is not valid or not true. In fact, based on what I have read, the experience of the author seems to reflect the experience of most later in life "transitioners".

    Early or late, getting "fixed" or cured is no easy matter. Much to the great chagrin of the TG "community", I generally encourage those in your situation to first get a clear and brutally honest assessment of your real and current situation.

    Then...find the least disruptive manner with which to deal with it. It sounds like to me that is what you are attempting to do. You have my full support and I will do my best to help you find your way in anyway that I can. IMHO there is nothing worse than a "regretter".

  3. Marian and quiet voice thank you for your feedback. I really am looking at things with eyes wide open and have thought about every possible scenario. I am alone and tied to no one so the only people I could hurt would be my children. The job situation is doable as I am in demand in my field. But I also don't want to make a mistake so I tread very slowly. This is why I have begun to live and make friends as a woman. I do admit that so far things are encouraging. Thank you both for your insightful feedback!


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