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that mythical "off" switch...

No I don't think being transgender is a gift. It's caused me grief, pain, embarrassment, stress, doubt and a marriage. I don't think it's a gift anymore than I think being handicapped is a gift. It's something one accepts and adapts to but if you had a chance to get that limb back you might take it. I know that I would have pushed the off button to make it go away today.

Yes I enjoy being Joanna but it feels like a trap. It feels like it's mandatory. If I don't dress I get edgy and the more I dress the more I want to dress. This behavior has me doubting that I am a true transsexual and more of an addicted crossdresser. True I'm not fetishistic but I still feel stuck somehow. I don't want to dress down when I go out; I want to wear a dress and heels. I want to be ultra feminine but also blend in. It works for me but what is my motivation and why does it feel like a drug.

When I first went for gender therapy I subscribed rather knievely thinking that a cure for my tranvestism was possible. Instead I achieved self acceptance but acceptance of what exactly? Of being a man who is addicted to wearing women's clothes? Because if that's what this is all about in the end then I'd just as soon have it all go away.

A few entries ago I wrote about certainty and how some kids just know early and are able to make an adjustment and go on to lead normal lives in their adopted gender roles. But for those of us swimming upstream like salmon, the fight gets really tiresome after the decades of denial and struggle. And all the while, the straightforward answers elude you because there are none. The uniqueness of your journey is your own.

I don't really want to be a transvestite, crossdresser or transsexual but I feel like I am doomed to choose one because there really is no cure. The limb is indeed missing and no such mythical "off" switch exists. Only in my own dreams.

I know this is a very bleak post but it just struck me today how debilitating this condition can make you when you don't have clear direction in your mind. May God allow me such clarity of mind so that I can find my way.


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Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…