Skip to main content

understanding my own pathology

Although there are, in my opinion, major flaws with the autogynephelia theory there is still some pathology in my crossdressing behavior that continues to bother me. The way I seem to want to end my outings with an orgasm is something that keeps me giving at least partial credence to the theory. I can be out for an entire day with not so much as an erection but this aspect continues to be a practice for me. If the orgasms were absent I would remain in the intoxication of the moment but it's arrival brings me back down to earth again and reminds me of my innate maleness. So while it does no longer prompt incredible guilt and immediate purging, there is something in the act of orgasm that grounds me from my flights of feminine fancy.

This behavior also keeps me thinking that it's at least partially rooted in the sexual. I know that it's not the origin of my desire to be feminine because of the innocent feelings I experienced as a young child but is the trap the eroticism of dreaming one is a female? A love of the illusion that can never come to fruition?

I wonder how happy I really would be if I transitioned only to realize I had made an error because my biggest fascination is rooted in the pretend fantasy of being a woman. Once faced with reality would the true payoff disappear and leave me living in remorse?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

how times change

How times have changed.

Whereas transition was something not to even contemplate for us, here is a young trans person who felt the opposite pressure. She looks and sounds extremely passable but decided it wasn't for her despite the social media presence of young transitioners potentially inspiring her to.

We are all different and I happen to think she's rather a smart cookie as well...


my last post

This will be my last post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are very …

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…