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understanding my own pathology

Although there are, in my opinion, major flaws with the autogynephelia theory there is still some pathology in my crossdressing behavior that continues to bother me. The way I seem to want to end my outings with an orgasm is something that keeps me giving at least partial credence to the theory. I can be out for an entire day with not so much as an erection but this aspect continues to be a practice for me. If the orgasms were absent I would remain in the intoxication of the moment but it's arrival brings me back down to earth again and reminds me of my innate maleness. So while it does no longer prompt incredible guilt and immediate purging, there is something in the act of orgasm that grounds me from my flights of feminine fancy.

This behavior also keeps me thinking that it's at least partially rooted in the sexual. I know that it's not the origin of my desire to be feminine because of the innocent feelings I experienced as a young child but is the trap the eroticism of dreaming one is a female? A love of the illusion that can never come to fruition?

I wonder how happy I really would be if I transitioned only to realize I had made an error because my biggest fascination is rooted in the pretend fantasy of being a woman. Once faced with reality would the true payoff disappear and leave me living in remorse?


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Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…