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understanding my own pathology

Although there are, in my opinion, major flaws with the autogynephelia theory there is still some pathology in my crossdressing behavior that continues to bother me. The way I seem to want to end my outings with an orgasm is something that keeps me giving at least partial credence to the theory. I can be out for an entire day with not so much as an erection but this aspect continues to be a practice for me. If the orgasms were absent I would remain in the intoxication of the moment but it's arrival brings me back down to earth again and reminds me of my innate maleness. So while it does no longer prompt incredible guilt and immediate purging, there is something in the act of orgasm that grounds me from my flights of feminine fancy.

This behavior also keeps me thinking that it's at least partially rooted in the sexual. I know that it's not the origin of my desire to be feminine because of the innocent feelings I experienced as a young child but is the trap the eroticism of dreaming one is a female? A love of the illusion that can never come to fruition?

I wonder how happy I really would be if I transitioned only to realize I had made an error because my biggest fascination is rooted in the pretend fantasy of being a woman. Once faced with reality would the true payoff disappear and leave me living in remorse?

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