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all about the tone

Readers of my blog will undoubtedly note that I am in a period of questioning and flux. Therefore the tone can be rather negative a lot of the time. I don't mean for this to be the case but I am hard pressed to find positives at times to the self acceptance that I'm trying to adhere to. Each step forward brings a new series of questions and trepidation about what to do next. It's like tiptoeiing through a minefield and hoping that you still have all your limbs on the other side. How far does one take this and what should be your limit.

Today I found myself staring at a woman in human resources. Her name is Therese and she's quite striking. But then a feeling of hopelessness went through me when I thought the better of what I was thinking. It was an exercise in futility knowing full well the uphill battle I would be facing were I to enter into anything resembling a relationship. So the desire must be stripped away completely and be quenched with something else. Because my construction as a human being goes against the natural flow of relations between females and males. I seem to be both and neither which leaves me precisely nowhere. It is during these moments that your desire to rid yourself of your "specialness" that the trans community tries to sell you on crescendos. That special nature is more of an affliction that must be managed. Holding my breath and hoping it goes away has been an abject failure so barring that I am going to keep fumbling my way through and counting on a eureka moment to be my saving grace.

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