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becoming whole

I am realizing more and more what I need to do now: which is to find a true balance and become a truly whole person. For many decades I was not able to feel whole due to a denial of the female side of my nature. Keeping that side at bay took enormous effort and led to deep dissatisfaction. The more I tried and failed, the more guilt and shame I felt over being weak and powerless. The part of me I now call Joanna, was to be destroyed and denied any existence because she represented an abomination. She was keeping me from leading life as a normal male. The gender therapy and reflection that ensued allowed me to come to a better understanding of myself and to achieve a higher degree of self acceptance.

Now, in spite of embracing my nature, I am increasingly aware that there may be a limit to that acceptance; that being my coming to the slow and deliberate conclusion that I may not be a true transsexual. I don't have body disphoria, don't hate my genitals and can function as a male without distress or depression. As long as I don't deny my female side I can find happiness, joy and self love; I need no longer feel that I am a failed person.

Recently I have been going through relationship turmoil and self doubt regarding my gender while at the same time indulging in a honeymoon phase over being able to dress daily as a female. But as I establish a new normalcy, all of this will morph I into my new baseline. I may dress more or less but the important thing is that I not feel impairment in leading my daily life. The clothes I wear will be irrelevant since it will just be me in the clothes; and that ME will be a whole person and not a gender stereotype.

Reading, reflection and prayer are guiding me in the right direction. I have many of you to thank for the very thoughtful and insightful posts that are helping me to think all of this through.

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sample pages...
















love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…