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becoming whole

I am realizing more and more what I need to do now: which is to find a true balance and become a truly whole person. For many decades I was not able to feel whole due to a denial of the female side of my nature. Keeping that side at bay took enormous effort and led to deep dissatisfaction. The more I tried and failed, the more guilt and shame I felt over being weak and powerless. The part of me I now call Joanna, was to be destroyed and denied any existence because she represented an abomination. She was keeping me from leading life as a normal male. The gender therapy and reflection that ensued allowed me to come to a better understanding of myself and to achieve a higher degree of self acceptance.

Now, in spite of embracing my nature, I am increasingly aware that there may be a limit to that acceptance; that being my coming to the slow and deliberate conclusion that I may not be a true transsexual. I don't have body disphoria, don't hate my genitals and can function as a male without distress or depression. As long as I don't deny my female side I can find happiness, joy and self love; I need no longer feel that I am a failed person.

Recently I have been going through relationship turmoil and self doubt regarding my gender while at the same time indulging in a honeymoon phase over being able to dress daily as a female. But as I establish a new normalcy, all of this will morph I into my new baseline. I may dress more or less but the important thing is that I not feel impairment in leading my daily life. The clothes I wear will be irrelevant since it will just be me in the clothes; and that ME will be a whole person and not a gender stereotype.

Reading, reflection and prayer are guiding me in the right direction. I have many of you to thank for the very thoughtful and insightful posts that are helping me to think all of this through.

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