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being ME

Funny when I think back to 20 years ago: a time when I was nowhere near admitting that I was transgendered. I kept it buried deep in the recesses of my mind, holding back on the crossdressing for months at a time only to have it return with a vengeance. Eventually the pressure would build and I would be compelled to indulge it, feeling terrible afterwards and then throw the clothes in the trash. That cycle is something a lot of trans people are very familiar with. I now realize that this was my way of dealing with the repressed feelings I had. Since they had to go somewhere they were channelled into the equivalence of a couple of weeks worth of crossdressing per year. It was all very tame as I would go out to public places and enjoy the feeling of being an imaginary woman for a few brief hours.

Yesterday I reflected on this as I spent an entire day as Joanna. I went to a few shops, tried on a few things as I interacted with sales ladies and spoke to coffee merchants as if it were the most normal thing in the world. I realized how far I had come from that young man in a dress who would sheepishly walk in the mall hoping not to be “read”. I was addressed as a woman and treated as one. It was affirming and wonderful and made me realize that I am now very comfortable public; more than I ever thought was possible.

How does one get from where I was to where I am now in 20 years? From keeping it all bottled up to feeling like I might be on the verge of wanting to live full time as a female? That very thought scares the hell out of me but also brings me solace. It’s the pull of being raised male and doing what you’re supposed to versus being the person you’ve always really been but were afraid to be for fear of failing expectation. I married at 32 thinking that it would bring me to where I should be as a male in life but that only delayed the inevitable battle that needed to be faced.

The coming months will bring more reflection and change I suspect. I am by nature extremely cautious and a planner so no worries about jumping into anything but this desire needs to be dealt with and living a double life may grow tiresome. Remaining the equivalent of a crossdresser may be unsatisfactory because I don’t want to crossdress; I just want to get dressed in the morning and not think about it again. I want to be ME – whoever that is....

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  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Joanna -

    One of the markers I've noticed about being trans is that our "peer" social group is not of our natal gender. Do you notice using certain language elements that females would use instead of those a male would use? In short, in non trans language , the following statement best describes how the two genders accomplish things:

    Men dominate while women collaborate.

    I recently noticed this in my own language at work (having more of a feminine style), and decided to make a couple of changes - and it was amazing how people reacted. I'll bet that your interactions with females are going so smoothly because you're using a female mode of communication. Am I correct?

    Marian

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  3. You are Marian yes. I am using dimoplacy and non competitive means at work and I am just being me with my cis friends...a female..

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