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beyond dressing up

There was a time when my dressing up was just about that; ie. going through the exercise of putting together a presentation so that I could go about my business undetected and unread. But with the purge that followed there was no afterword, no attempt to figure out where it was all stemming from. What's been revealing about this period is that in allowing myself to dress I can move past the mechanics of the clothes and makeup and into the feelings that impel me to present as a female. It is a movement away from the surface and into deeper exploration.

After all, our psyche has a lot to say to us if we listen. The problem lies in moving past the static of our upbringing, prejudices and programming and examine the pure thought underneath. Not an easy task because a lot of elements are virtually hardwired at this point. Like a painter removing old layers of paint we can begin to lift off layer by layer all of this baggage.

This has been for me the biggest challenge and the reason why my posts waiver in intensity and intent. Sometimes I am sure where I am headed and then something happens that day to change my course.

It is essential that I move beyond the dressing up to the growing up of real life. Otherwise this becomes a pointless game of hiding who you are and playing adult pretend. I am too old to play those games and too disinterested. The crossdressing serves its purpose for now in diffusing the intensity of my disphoria. It may not be the most desirable solution as a final result in how I lead my life.

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