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beyond dressing up

There was a time when my dressing up was just about that; ie. going through the exercise of putting together a presentation so that I could go about my business undetected and unread. But with the purge that followed there was no afterword, no attempt to figure out where it was all stemming from. What's been revealing about this period is that in allowing myself to dress I can move past the mechanics of the clothes and makeup and into the feelings that impel me to present as a female. It is a movement away from the surface and into deeper exploration.

After all, our psyche has a lot to say to us if we listen. The problem lies in moving past the static of our upbringing, prejudices and programming and examine the pure thought underneath. Not an easy task because a lot of elements are virtually hardwired at this point. Like a painter removing old layers of paint we can begin to lift off layer by layer all of this baggage.

This has been for me the biggest challenge and the reason why my posts waiver in intensity and intent. Sometimes I am sure where I am headed and then something happens that day to change my course.

It is essential that I move beyond the dressing up to the growing up of real life. Otherwise this becomes a pointless game of hiding who you are and playing adult pretend. I am too old to play those games and too disinterested. The crossdressing serves its purpose for now in diffusing the intensity of my disphoria. It may not be the most desirable solution as a final result in how I lead my life.


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another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…