Skip to main content

Change of strategy

I have been reflecting about the prospect of entering therapy and last night I made a conscious decision to forego it. It was based on the following thinking:

• I don’t need to have SRS or even take hormones
• I can live as a female without doing either.
• I want to continue to provide a male role model for my son.
• My disphoria is not debilitating enough to propel me to change anything.

Plus what would the therapy do for me at this point? Probably not that much with the additional challenge of sitting in group sessions with aspiring transitioners who might tempt me to do something I would later regret.

The rethinking was also prompted by a meeting I had a couple of nights ago with Ana Alva, who is a transsexual woman barely over 30 years of age. She works at a trans drop in center run by the government and helps others in their struggles. She actually had some reservations about the program run by the hospital and during our conversation I began to realize she might be right. Leaving our meeting that evening I mulled things over. I finally left a message for Helene last night informing her of my decision to forego the therapy and possibly contact her later should my need to enter it arise.

Right now I feel this is the right thing and I feel bolstered by a surge of positive thinking I am having the last 2 days. Yes my recent posts have seemed erratic and contradictory, but I feel that the questioning and struggling is starting to pay dividends. I am actually formulating a way forward slowly; one that will allow me to deal with my disphoria in a positive way and have it infringe as little as possible on my current way of life.

Were I to be 25 years old again I might have opted for what Ana has done, but at this stage I need to live in reality. What is past is past.

However I will be calling Helene in the future when I require someone to talk to regarding my GID.

Comments

  1. Joanna -

    There are way too few good GID therapists. So your decision makes perfect sense.

    If I were 25 again, with the same career ahead of me that I had then, would I consider transition? I'm not sure. I'd have never known my late wife had I taken that path in life. And I don't think I'd want to give up those years of my life.

    But one can never be certain of things. I have a lot more self esteem than I had when younger. If I had this self confidence, who knows what decisions I'd have made with different results....

    Marian

    ReplyDelete
  2. That is so so true Marian. I would not have my kids either. I am so happy with this decision though. I think it's the best thing given where I am in life. Maybe after retirement live full time who knows.....really like your blog btw.....

    ReplyDelete

Post a comment

Popular posts from this blog

my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …

epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...
















love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…