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don't search. just be happy...

I used to search for love and understanding. To my own detriment,I never really received what I needed because I never offered the entire truth to anyone. I am entirely to blame for this because I now know that my parents would have been receptive if not a little bewildered by a son who should have been born their daughter.

Years later I was not forthcoming with my wife either. Not her fault if she did not have all the information. The fact she divorced me over this is par for the course for many of us, but other issues were present that would have tipped the scale regardless.

My recent 3 year stint with my gf also proved to me just how complicated things can get even before one adds the trans issue to the mix.

So I sit here today with a better understanding of myself and of how the world works. Not only am I more sure of what I don't want but also painfully aware of what many genetic women don't want - it's safe to say most would not choose a gender confused male. To make matters worse I am sexually abnormal as I am mis targeting due to my autogynephelia. In light of this and knowing that desire leads to unhappiness when not fulfilled, I have decided to be happy on my own. We are born and we die alone and there is nothing wrong with this fact. Were I to spend the rest of my life looking for that needle in a haystack, I would be doing myself a disservice and expending energy looking potentially in futility for something I might not deep down really want. Life is too short and fragile for this and I have't the energy. Therefore it will not be spent.

I will find contentment within my mind and heart. The rest of the energy will go towards my children and friends and colleagues who value my friendship. In the end, finding a romantic partner has proven to be a hit and miss proposition for many people I know. Looking for love has not worked for me either. Therefore I will not look.

Neither will I close the door if it ever comes looking for me.

Comments

  1. I certainly hope so....it's my only recourse and the only thing I can try and control....

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