Skip to main content

got disphoria??

I read the following on a gender disphoria board discussion and it freaked me out ever so slightly:

"I figured out my GID around 44. Before then, I just knew that I was "different" in some way, I did'nt fit in with a lot of people, and I was'nt like most men. After 44, I was able to finally put a label on it - GID. Since then, I have experienced the ebb and flow of GID. Some days it's not even on the radar, some days it's almost overwhelning. I identify as androgyne, but I've also allowed for the possibilty that my GID may come to a point where I have to do something about it. Even though I've dipped my toe in the estrogen pool, for now I can quench my GID with crossdressing"

Except for the estrogen reference, this is me exactly! even right down to the age. I am increasingly certain now that I do suffer from GID and from everything I have read it's only going to get worse with age. I need to address it post haste. My doctor has already gotten back to me and he will set up an appointment soon.

I don't really understand why GID becomes so consuming with time but it probably is brought on by a combination of avoidance, decreased testosterone levels and the realization that life is short and we cannot continue to live a lie all our lives. We cannot pretend anymore just to measure up to society's expectation of what we should be.

This does not change the fact that I don't want to transition even if I am a woman. By seeing my doctor I may be able to devise a way even if it means going on a low dosage of hormones. Although I doubt that would be permitted without more gender therapy which is next on the list of to dos.

Comments

  1. "hell bent on self destruction.... "


    hmmmm.......

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm over thinking and over analyzing and it's driving me crazy

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…