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hell bent on self destruction....

Perhaps some of my posts talk about my female persona in a way that might give the impression that I am putting on an act when I'm being Joanna. In fact quite the opposite is true in that I am being myself in the purest sense by lifting the mask that I've learned to wear over my lifetime. I become less inhibited and open up to people more and feel a true sense of freedom. I'm not being an actor in a play but simply letting my inner femininity shine through. It's been very liberating to do that.

On the other hand there's something not right. I can't put my finger on it yet but this is all too compulsive. So I'm either a woman in denial or a compulsive crossdresser. Either one of those choices suck because I want to be neither. I want not to need to crossdress. But I've tried everything and living alone and giving myself permission to dress has created a monster. Women don't need to crossdress, they just get dressed.

And meanwhile I'm stuck in a TG wasteland with nowhere to go and at the root dissatisfied with the double life. I should be happy to have found balance but I am not really enthused. At least living alone is proving to be ok as well as setting my mind on the idea that this is the best thing for a person like me.

Anne Lawrence thinks she is ill and her solution was to transition. Strange recipe with someone who self diagnoses as having AG. The whole thing is mighty confusing to me as Anne goes to great lengths on her website to show that many late transitioning transsexuals have AG. So where does that leave me in finding some peace? Not sure.

Today I had horrible disphoria - so bad that I emailed my doctor to let him know I need to see him early in the new year about this issue.

It's like one of the transitioners that I know who used the phrase to describe her own situation ",it was either a bullet or a dress". That phrase has stayed with me for months now because sometimes I feel it applies to me. Almost as if fighting were futile in the end. How I hate being this confused.


  1. "Women don't need to crossdress, they just get dressed."

    Yes. You are correct. We dress based on what is approprite for the activities of our upcoming day, (or evening). It ha nothing to do with "presenting" or "expressing our femininity".

    Sometimes we dress to be practical. Sometimes we'll put in a bit more effort to accentuate our feminine charms. HOW we dress has nothing to do with how female or 'womanly' we feel.

    Interesting that you understand how Lawrence understands, accepts and deals with her "illness". I am not sure "illness" is a term that I would use, but I might consider the term, 'pathology'.

    Nevertheless, "...I'm either a woman in denial or a compulsive crossdresser", is a valid and very criticl observation. Sadly, the very cold hard truth is that there is no easy answer.

    Either path is most difficult and there are no guarantees of a successful resolution. Finding a good knowledgeable counselor is your best hope of survival. As you have observed, wallowing in a "TG wasteland" is just a recipe for disaster.

    As always, you have my best, ( email).

  2. I will use the email to be sure....thank you!

  3. Oh and I do believe that I dress the part for the occasion AQV. You won't find me in the mall in a cocktail dress but I am just a shade more feminine in my presentation than a lot of women. As I have read many TS observe that it's almost like a little compensation for all those years of repression. I am not suicidal either even if I use that bullet quote, I just feel like swimming upstream is getting tiring.


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