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more work to do

I was on a crossdresser board this morning and read the following passage in response to a query about managing and controling crossdressing desires:

"the only way to control is to make it a conscious choice instead of letting it remain a compulsion. To do that you need to get in touch with yourself and your feelings and not be ashamed or afraid of them. Once that happens you control the reins of the process"

I think there's a lot of truth in that statement even if does not offer a perfect solution. I suspect that I may not really be as accepting of myself as I think I am. My worry about a mythical future partner being critical of who I am instead of embracing all of me - crossdressing included - is clouding my thought process. Until I can rid myself of all vestiges of my shame, I won't be truly free and able to become perfectly whole. I have come so far that I sometimes lull myself into thinking that I have arrived at my target when clearly I have'nt quite gotten there. If this is an integral part of who I am (whether disease or gift) I need to claim it in it's entirety. I need not see it as a blessing necessarily but not as something to be ashamed of either. I will also keep working on my neediness for companionship as it is
clouding my judgement and my ability to repair my psyche.


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“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

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Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

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Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…