Skip to main content

my public identity as Joanna

Irrespective of my internal turmoil, I am relishing the public persona that is Joanna. The merchants and friends who only know me as a woman are helping me to bring validity to my female side. This morning as I arrived at the cathedral for the 8 am mass I was greeted by a lady who stands outside asking for some help. She has seen me elsewhere but now knows and expects that I will be there on certain Sundays. She sees me coming and calls out my name. We have a little chat and I give her some change from my purse. She's just one of the people who don't know there's a male underneath the clothes and makeup.

Then after the service I go to a little Starbucks closely where the barista asks me about my kids and my husband. She's very pleasant and I appreciate the banter realizing how different it is between two women.

I don't ever want to take that for granted. Today I prayed that I will find some peace and balance, for the my father whose been gone for many years and for my children.

Comments

  1. "We have a little chat and I give her some change from my purse. She's just one of the people who don't know there's a male underneath the clothes and makeup." ~Joanna

    Is this not that, " pointless game of hiding who you are and playing adult pretend."?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well yes and no. While I meant biologically male there is still the doubt in me about bring transsexual. The confusion these days centers around that and sometimes my posts will appear to be contradictory or have language as such. I wish I could un muddle it all because it would be easier to be a garden variety transvestite.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I agree that, "it would be easier to be a garden variety transvestite". You feel that your confusion centers around whether or not you are TS. Strangely enough, this is not such a difficult question. It IS however, the WRONG question. The question more simply is are you a man or a woman, or....something in between. That "something in between', would be TG.

    If it is TG then your course is clear. It would be simply a matter of finding that point on the 'gender spectrum' that is most comfortable.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AQV I am exactly trying to determine that. These days I feel like I am somewhere in between. The matter of transition is off the table in the short run but that in between is much closer to woman than man. Finding my comfort point seems to be my issue now. Since I am so happy as Joanna it makes me wonder whether denial is keeping me from being the woman I am. Thank you for your input....

    ReplyDelete
  5. It appears that my discomfort is also around leading a double life. Going to work as male but living as female may not be the answer in the long run but my extensive baggage is causing me much discomfort. The religious dogma, societal pressure, fear for my job and reaction from my kids is weighing on my ability to decide on a course of action. Eventually my repair work on my psyche (through this blog, etc) will pay dividends I hope....

    ReplyDelete
  6. "religious dogma, societal pressure, fear for my job and reaction from my kids is weighing on my ability to decide..."

    Decide what?

    One does not "decide" to be male or female. One is either one or the other. However, how or when one "presents" or "dresses" is of course optional.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well then I'm a woman who needs to decide what to do next and how and when to present. Therein lies my dilemma!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm also afraid of being a woman and giving in is like failing after years of fighting!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I really want to keep the discourse warm and civil AQV. Everyone is unique and has their own demons after all....

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am sorry Joanna. I don't understand. How am I being uncivil? I ask questions, perhaps to help you examine those issues which so trouble you. I offer perceptions and opinions. What you do with them is up to you.

    ReplyDelete

Post a comment

Popular posts from this blog

my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …

epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...
















love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…