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my public identity as Joanna

Irrespective of my internal turmoil, I am relishing the public persona that is Joanna. The merchants and friends who only know me as a woman are helping me to bring validity to my female side. This morning as I arrived at the cathedral for the 8 am mass I was greeted by a lady who stands outside asking for some help. She has seen me elsewhere but now knows and expects that I will be there on certain Sundays. She sees me coming and calls out my name. We have a little chat and I give her some change from my purse. She's just one of the people who don't know there's a male underneath the clothes and makeup.

Then after the service I go to a little Starbucks closely where the barista asks me about my kids and my husband. She's very pleasant and I appreciate the banter realizing how different it is between two women.

I don't ever want to take that for granted. Today I prayed that I will find some peace and balance, for the my father whose been gone for many years and for my children.

Comments

  1. "We have a little chat and I give her some change from my purse. She's just one of the people who don't know there's a male underneath the clothes and makeup." ~Joanna

    Is this not that, " pointless game of hiding who you are and playing adult pretend."?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well yes and no. While I meant biologically male there is still the doubt in me about bring transsexual. The confusion these days centers around that and sometimes my posts will appear to be contradictory or have language as such. I wish I could un muddle it all because it would be easier to be a garden variety transvestite.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I agree that, "it would be easier to be a garden variety transvestite". You feel that your confusion centers around whether or not you are TS. Strangely enough, this is not such a difficult question. It IS however, the WRONG question. The question more simply is are you a man or a woman, or....something in between. That "something in between', would be TG.

    If it is TG then your course is clear. It would be simply a matter of finding that point on the 'gender spectrum' that is most comfortable.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AQV I am exactly trying to determine that. These days I feel like I am somewhere in between. The matter of transition is off the table in the short run but that in between is much closer to woman than man. Finding my comfort point seems to be my issue now. Since I am so happy as Joanna it makes me wonder whether denial is keeping me from being the woman I am. Thank you for your input....

    ReplyDelete
  5. It appears that my discomfort is also around leading a double life. Going to work as male but living as female may not be the answer in the long run but my extensive baggage is causing me much discomfort. The religious dogma, societal pressure, fear for my job and reaction from my kids is weighing on my ability to decide on a course of action. Eventually my repair work on my psyche (through this blog, etc) will pay dividends I hope....

    ReplyDelete
  6. "religious dogma, societal pressure, fear for my job and reaction from my kids is weighing on my ability to decide..."

    Decide what?

    One does not "decide" to be male or female. One is either one or the other. However, how or when one "presents" or "dresses" is of course optional.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well then I'm a woman who needs to decide what to do next and how and when to present. Therein lies my dilemma!

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  8. I'm also afraid of being a woman and giving in is like failing after years of fighting!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I really want to keep the discourse warm and civil AQV. Everyone is unique and has their own demons after all....

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am sorry Joanna. I don't understand. How am I being uncivil? I ask questions, perhaps to help you examine those issues which so trouble you. I offer perceptions and opinions. What you do with them is up to you.

    ReplyDelete

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