Skip to main content

realizing you're really a woman

The book that quiet voice pointed me to has been nagging at me over one issue in particular. Aside from it's harsh tone the writer subscribes to a bulldozer "my bell has wrung therefore I must transition" mantra. She also insists that women are born and not made (which I don't necessarily agree with) but if you have lived your entire life to date as a male, have a spouse, kids and a career it's not that obvious. Do you proceed exclusively on the basis that you are a TRUE woman?

I admit I have a problem with that. How about the idea of thinking of others before yourself? A few posts back I wrote about the website of an early transitioner who thought that late transitioners were basically men in dresses and how once you had a family you were being selfish by expecting the world to stop revolving and accept you as a woman. I am not sure about the men in dresses bit, but I do agree with her about the second part. So if the writer's litmus test for really being a woman is ramming through the entire list of challenges (which she details in great fashion), then I am clearly missing something. Its all very well to realize who you really are and proceed to correct things but if the collateral damage is substantial plenty of people would think and rethink and then rethink some more. Some might even choose not to transition because the price is too great and not necessarily out of fear but out a sense of altruism.

Maybe I'm not a TRUE woman and so I don't get it. And I'm not saying one should not transition with children or a spouse (if she'll still have you) but what I am saying is that the overall governing concern should be your primary responsibilities in life because like it or not you lived 40 years plus as a man. Hard to erase that.

I will no doubt offend someone's sensibilities by saying all this but I really don't mean to. I know this is a thankless condition and it takes no prisoners.

Comments

  1. Joanna,
    A strong focus on family over self and a deep concern for others is a hallmark of Womanhood. A need to be loved and to see the important people in our lives be happy is a deeply womanly piece of humanity. That is why the family issues are the absolute hardest for us to deal with. I've watched trans men find the courage to alienate their parents and know they may never speak to them again while the trans women in the room will cry passionately about possibly loosing the love of a brother or good friend. I abandoned my first transition many years ago because I was unloved and seemingly unlovable. Nobody seems to want to say it, but it's part of the "Welcome to Womanhood" package. But it's also part of the package to talk to others and find support and do what needs to be done. It's never fast or easy or clean. And the end result and goal can vary a lot. We just all have to try to do what is right for each of us.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you Dianne. Are you now fully transitioned? And at what age?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I just transitioned at 52. And I do mean "just" transitioned. This last week was my first week at work and work was the last step of the first steps of a new life. So far it's been graceful but that's because all the pain and fear was worked through before hand over many many years. Find community and find someone you can talk to and you will do much better. You mentioned your Cis-gal friends and that sort of support is powerful. When it comes from other T-folks you can be totally open.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…