Maybe I should just be satisfied with this scenario and deal with it as I must since I think given my age and my life situation, it would be best to leave my body alone.
What is left now is to get just the right amount of professional help to aid me in my own thought process towards a measure of mental peace around this issue. To be happy somewhere between the closeted crossdresser and the transexual.
I am indebted to the treatment I underwent 5 years ago in helping to achieve self acceptance. Now I need to put a stopper on the desire to do something unnecessary and potentially wreckless. Whether it's paraphilia or not it no longer matters. It still needs to be treated somehow in the absence of an outright cure.
I would like to one day understand where this early fascination came from for me. Not because it will change anything but because it will be welcome information and perhaps vindication for someone who felt so bad for so long about doing something so unimportant.