Has nature made a mistake? After all we are born either genetically male or female (i am discounting intersex). I was also born with a combination brain of male and female so why should not that be good enough?
I have problems with the argument that if one is a woman in their brain, one must change their body to match. I have trouble agreeing with it and yet its calling me right now to some extent. Like many late transitioning people I am getting that sense of urgency about dealing with my disphoria. When I come home from work I change into women's clothes and yet I am the same person but things feel just a little bit better. But then its not about the clothes.
Last night I came home after running some errands. I had been dressed like any other woman except that I had worn a skirt and heels. One of the vestiges from my AG past that has remained with me is masturbation before removing the clothing. When I was young it would come uninvited and now I need to force it because the dressing does not have much sexual significance. So last night I consciously refrained from masturbating and simply removed my clothing and makeup and slipped into my pajamas. That release used to be my trigger for a surge of guilt and then a purge. Now there is simply a soft landing to earth after that evening's heady aspirations of becoming joanna full time. The guilt is gone and the well being remains. I don't know why I have continued this practice but as of last night I have decided to discontinue it. I need to make sure that my identity as joanna is not related to exclusively sexuality, even if instinctively I know this already to be the case.
The masturbation used to be my escape back to maleness and maybe I have continued it as protection from the encroaching tide of my female persona; a way to keep joanna at bay. I only have anecdotal evidence that late transitioning transexuals have this type of history; some of this contained in Anne Lawrence's site. I used to also think that this type of behavior disqualified you from being a true transexual woman. Now I am not so sure.
Still much work and much reflection to come.