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the tipping point

What is the tipping point? What is the trigger that tells the trans person: that's it i'm a woman and it's time to do something about it. We have all known people who lean heavily towards the opposite gender both in mannerism and affinity of thought and yet they have neither the forethought nor the inclination to tamper with their bodies. Must there not be something in the trans brain that is unique; something in the wiring? Because in the end no human being is exclusively male or female but a mixture of both. Therefore it is possible there is some faulty wiring in the brains of people like myself. Whatever it is, it does not let us rest until we've dealt with it. We crossdream, crossdress and we have SRS in an attempt to deal with this disconnect.

Has nature made a mistake? After all we are born either genetically male or female (i am discounting intersex). I was also born with a combination brain of male and female so why should not that be good enough?

I have problems with the argument that if one is a woman in their brain, one must change their body to match. I have trouble agreeing with it and yet its calling me right now to some extent. Like many late transitioning people I am getting that sense of urgency about dealing with my disphoria. When I come home from work I change into women's clothes and yet I am the same person but things feel just a little bit better. But then its not about the clothes.

Last night I came home after running some errands. I had been dressed like any other woman except that I had worn a skirt and heels. One of the vestiges from my AG past that has remained with me is masturbation before removing the clothing. When I was young it would come uninvited and now I need to force it because the dressing does not have much sexual significance. So last night I consciously refrained from masturbating and simply removed my clothing and makeup and slipped into my pajamas. That release used to be my trigger for a surge of guilt and then a purge. Now there is simply a soft landing to earth after that evening's heady aspirations of becoming joanna full time. The guilt is gone and the well being remains. I don't know why I have continued this practice but as of last night I have decided to discontinue it. I need to make sure that my identity as joanna is not related to exclusively sexuality, even if instinctively I know this already to be the case.

The masturbation used to be my escape back to maleness and maybe I have continued it as protection from the encroaching tide of my female persona; a way to keep joanna at bay. I only have anecdotal evidence that late transitioning transexuals have this type of history; some of this contained in Anne Lawrence's site. I used to also think that this type of behavior disqualified you from being a true transexual woman. Now I am not so sure.

Still much work and much reflection to come.

Comments

  1. "I was also born with a combination brain of male and female so why should not that be good enough?"

    "I have problems with the argument that if one is a woman in their brain, one must change their body to match."

    "Over-thinking and over-analyzing...It is driving me crazy"

    The Anne Lawrence construct is a very poor model, unless pathology is your goal. I do not pretend to understand late transitioner outside of the AGP model gone over the edge, ala Anne Lawrence.

    I fear I cannot help you. Your earlier post, "Got AGP?", left me speechless. I am truly sorry. My best advice is to forget the Internet and seek COMPETANT professional help.

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  2. Pathology is not my goal. My goal is self understanding so I can proceed with my life. I won't transition until I'm 100% sure that it will find me peace. Right now that is starting to come slowly. Anne Lawrence agree with her or not is not an unreliable internet hack. However I see your point because I object to the paraphlic model. She does however seem to be the only one who actually addresses non homosexual TS behavior in a way that finds resonance with me even if I don't agree that I am a pervert. Everyone else pretends that arousal does not exist in transexuals and that makes them qualify for surgery. Thank you for your input as I do intend to get qualified help.

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  3. Then answer me this: How can a woman live wth the body of a man?

    In my experience, she cannot.

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  4. A very good question. I am trying to ascertain that for myself because I am being drawn towards the idea of altering this body I have but it can't be because I'm mentally ill...

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  5. So you say. What makes you so sure? Is it that being ill is distasteful, shameful or "sick"?

    How can one be adequately treated if one is unable to recognize the illness, or correctly diagnose the symtoms?

    Try looking at this without the benifit of the AGP construct.

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  6. AQV I am going to do just that. I have a consult with the hospital gender program on Monday. I am going to forget AGP theory and emabark on a path over the next 2 years to answer all my questions. If it leads to SRS so be it but at least I will be dealing with people who are qualified to deal with people like me. Please continue offering your input as it is greatly appreciated

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  7. Just so you know. Those "gender therapists" do not have any answers. They are almost as cluless as you are. The best they can do is provide a sounding board to your own queries, as I have attempted to do. Obviously, this mediumis not very condusive to anf rea work.

    Nevertheless, the "answer" lies within you. Therein must you seek your "answers".

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  8. Let me see if I can make this as simple as possible for you:

    Do you have a penis?

    Do you LIKE and WANT to use it?

    If You answered YES to both of those questions then you are NOT transsexual. (you MAY be something else encompassed by the "transgender" umberella term, but it is likely that SRS is NOT suited to you)

    In the PHYSICAL sense (IE what people are referring to by the terms "male" and "female") MOST people ARE in fact exclusively (and provably) one or the other, so you are incorrect.

    "gender" (expression in a what is typically deemed masculine or feminine ways) most certainly is a "mixture" of both and interpreted differently due to social demands of the males and females it is typically (but not always) expected of, in any particular locality.

    You! Are NOT a transsexual, if you were, you would not be questioning or requiring the assistance of medical proffessionals to assess your DESIRE to be socially veiwed as female.

    I hope this helps.

    Best wishes and good luck to you

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  9. neither you nor I know whether I am transexual, but regardless I just need to find peace. The penis I could take or leave mind you since I am not very interested in sex and when I have had it it's dysfunctional. I don't agree it's as clear cut as you say if it were there would not be so many late transitioners. As far as needing therapists goes, we need them to sort through the feelings and baggage we carry. my previous experience with therapy brought me to self acceptance as a trans person which is something I never thought I'd have. So I'm not counting on anyone else to tell me what I am or what I am not for that lies only within me

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  10. Still I appreciate your input van Biden even if I don't buy it.....

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  11. I only have anecdotal evidence that late transitioning transexuals have this type of history; some of this contained in Anne Lawrence's site. I used to also think that this type of behavior disqualified you from being a true transexual woman. Now I am not so sure.

    And then

    I am not very interested in sex and when I have had it it's dysfunctional.

    Interesting!

    Making the "symptoms" FIT your "knowledge" of the requirements for your desired diagnosis?..... You USED TO BE interested in sex, you just aren't anymore huh? How convenient!!

    I hope you manage to find a dumb therapist to help you mess your life up as it seems that's what you desire.

    And again; you're WRONG!

    I DO know VERY well that you are NOT transsexual.

    Again though, best wishes.

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  12. I was talking about intercourse masturbation. I care for neither at this point. The only thing I desire is not to have this desire towards the female which I have had all my life to go away or resolve itself somehow. Since you seem to be the expert on what I am not, I am all ears and waiting for your expert advice as you seem to know all. The program I am going into is the best in Canada and the one that approves or disapproves people for surgery. For the record I desperately do NOT want to be a transexual because it's going to mess up my life even more than it already is...good thing you're not on the screening committee for admittance into the program. We all need less dime store psychology

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  13. I meant to say intercourse and NOT masturbation....

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  14. Just confirm one thing for me van buren. Have you ever before transition had an orgasm while imagining yourself being a female body? If the answer is no then congratulations you are a true transexual. Other poor mixed up souls like Anne Lawrence and the people who wrote to her and have themselves transitioned apparently all made horrible mistakes. Interestingly however that seems not to be the case and that was the idea behind my post....

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  15. IF it is true that you, "have problems with the argument that if one is a woman in their brain, one must change their body to match", what would be your "solution"?

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  16. Ok Joanna, against my better judgment and in spite of the facts that 1. It none of your business and 2. Being male there's NO way you could possibly have the perspective required to understand basic female sexuality, I'll humor you.

    As a female, it is and always has been neccessary for me to fantasize, and when I do, I fantasize about a strong attractive man penetrating me, dominating me and trying to impregnate me.

    However, SEX ALONE was not my motivation for SRS (and may I say it speaks clearly to what your actual motives ARE that THIS is the question you asked, and I was RIGHT it IS about getting off for you and NO your are NOT transsexual, and YES! If you're prepared to be realistic, you COULD use more of my "dime" psychology)

    My primary motivation for SRS was so that a male might be able to recognize me as female, and so, I would then be able to have the correct emotional connection with a mate that was natural/instinctive/intate to me, including the expectations males typically have of female partners.

    Sound like you?

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  17. Masturbating while "dressed" does not qualify you as a transsexual. It would more accurately describe transvestic or fetish type paraphilia.

    The fact that your sexual "interest/involvement", in dressing, has diminished is more indicative of a natural decline in testosterone levels attributable to advancing age.

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  18. I agree with both of you that I am NOT a transexual but my problem remains. You had your valid reasons for transitioning but interestingly while Anne Lawrence admits that a valid treatment for what I have can actually be transitioning. My aim in my upcoming treatment will be to find peace within my male body because I have no plans to transition. Unless of course my disphoria paralyses me....

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  19. Another problem is that this condition of mine goes back to my earliest memories. So if I am not transexual then what am I and why did I want to dress from such a young age while boys like my brother could care less about dresses. I'm stumped and all the reading I've done puts me at a dead end...

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  20. Also AQV while you're right that the sexual interest has declined the interest in dressing has hugely increased leaving me with the same draw to the feminine I've always had. Stuck in between the genders. I suppose I'll give up and accept my TG moniker and grapple with my disphoria through dressing.

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  21. Your problem remains?...

    Why is it a problem? Are you hurting anyone due to your need to "dress" or feel/express feminine?

    Is there a reason you can't simply embrace and enjoy it for the part of your life that it is?

    Who cares what people think provided you aren't hurting anyone?

    And for what it's worth, I could not give a toss what "professionals" (idiots!) like Anne lawrence have to say or what boxes, categories, or explanations they'd like to stick me in in an effort to explain and justify and upease themselves over their own guilt Self-loathing and unresolved issues, like ALL other women I only need ONE explanation for who I am the genitals i need, the kind of partner I'm interested in and how it's natural for me to connect with (physically AND emotionally) that kind of partner.

    Three words:

    I AM FEMALE

    Anyone who needs more explanation than that for themselves needs to stop trying to lie to themselves and everyone else and should most certainly NOT seek SRS.

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  22. My angst should not have any bearing on you van buren so I don't know why you're taking things like an affront to your own situation. I'm happy for you that you have your own answer but my upbringing is so saddled with catholic guilt that I've had to work my way slowly through this issue to come to terms. Whether it was being gay, trans, premarital sex. etc it was all bad in deeply orthodox Spain. So I grew up in silence and racked with guilt for feeling feminine inside.

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