I have always been short tempered. During the time that I was questioning my gender plus dealing with raising my children and being in a relationship with a woman who never wanted and never had children, the challenges were many. My temper flared up on more than one occasion and although I was in love with her, in the end felt that her demands were coming into conflict with my parenting responsibilites as well as my desire to drive my feminine time onto a new plateau.
Now 5 months of alone time have affored me some perspective and I have been to the desert of my soul (so to speak). I am being cautious about things, but the way I feel today is better than I did when we broke up last June. I need to know whether reconciliation is possible and I don't want to permanently close off with her without knowing that there may still be a chance for us to be together. The fact that she has agreed to meet me on Sunday after explaining my rationale to her means to me that there may indeed be a chance for us as a couple. She knows and accepts Joanna (to some extent) is smart, beautiful and intelligent. She has her own needs too and sometimes my behavior during our three years together was less than stellar. Reflecting on all of this last night was a bit of a watershed moment for me.
So while I have no illusions about the future one way or another, I at least want to face her with the calmness of spirit that the past months have brought to me slowly. With the full knowledge that I will not transition and a better understanding of myself, I may be a better partner for her now. If not then at least I will have tried and failed with dignity and can close that chapter of my life with no regrets.
I look forward to our meeting again after not seeing her beautiful face for 5 whole months. It will be interesting to see how each of us reacts and reads the situation. I am old and hopefully wise enough to accept what the outcome needs to be.