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more lessons still to learn

I need to work on myself in another area - self forgiveness. I need to cut myself some slack and allow myself to make errors; errors which are less about mistakes than giving in to my natural character. I got so accustomed to refraining from being happy by holding myself back, that it has become a natural reflex to feel negative. My guilt over expressing my feminine side openly was so vehemently prohibited, that I could never allow more than a few days of yearly crossdressing to soothe my desires. Once satiated I needed to destroy all evidence in a frantic purge.

As much as those inhibitions are apparently gone, there remains some resident guilt. That is in fact the hardest thing to get rid of. But I persevere and will hope that 2013 removes another layer of old wallpaper in the room that is my mind.

Another issue is passing. Since I am used to generally passing well, I tend to get a little freaked out when I don't. I am getting better at this but still have a ways to go. I am also still daydreaming about being with someone again which is a mistake. That is improving over time as I get used to living on my own.

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“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

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“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

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