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target error...

Target error - that concept has been in the back of my mind for a while now. The idea that I want to become the object of my desires makes perfect sense given my history. When I was very little I wanted to emulate my mother; wear her heels, earrings and lipstick. I wanted to BE my mother and when she would scold me and I second guessed her punishment she would sometimes say : "when you're a mother.....". I winced but was secretly titilated when she said it. I went to her closet when she was'nt there and practiced being a lady. The thought that I could become a woman, a mother was so exciting to me that when puberty struck that thrill was often times accompanied by sexual release. So in parallel with developping an interest in girls my own age, the specter of female emulation followed along like a shadow. I was not old enough to have sex with girls and ejaculate into them but I could emulate them and at the same time desire them.

There was no deliberate act of masturbation. There was unprompted release as I gazed at my feminine image in the mirror or imagined myself at some motherly task which ruined for me the purity of the experience and sent me plummeting me back down to earth in a post orgasmic thud. Yes the feelings were innocent enough but the end result deeply disappointing. I was a girl experiencing ecstacy in a body that was male.

My fate was cast - in love with women and in love with the idea of being a woman. Not a winning combination and one which would cause confusion in later years. So while I never imagined myself as the woman during intercourse with my wife, I did imagine myself to BE a desireable woman in order to perform. The distinction here being that I did not think about role reversal as much as about myself at some female activity or instantly being transformed into a woman.

This is all now hard wired. Set during formative years where our burgeoning sexuality is in it's infancy. I do now believe with 100% certainty that this cannot happen to just any boy. This happens to boys with a predisposition to want to be girls in the first place. This is where the line is drawn for me between the fetish transvestite who has no such feelings before trying on his mother's silky slip or stockings at 12 and proceeds to rub one off. He will remain closer to his male identity than a boy like me but he will continue the practice well into adulthood as part of his sexual repertoire.

All of this is based on anecdotal information, my reading over the years as well as examining my own thought processes. I don't even know what to call myself these days because labels are just that - labels.

This mistargeting segues into my recent posting on relationships. A woman desires a conventional male to desire and protect her and by virtue of this abnormality, the autogynephilic (for lack of a better term) is stuck between a rock and a hard place. This is why I am actively working towards removing any desire for a sustained relationship with any woman. She would need to accept an undesireable level of abnormality and be able to look at the person underneath. A tall order indeed.

Comments

  1. Yes. Sadly, I am forced to agree.

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  2. That does not mean I will bar the door but won't hold my breath waiting for a miracle either....

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  3. Joanna -

    I feel that you are painting yourself into a corner with that attitude. There were several happy couples that I met at Fantasia Fair for whom cross dressing might have been an issue, but not one to kill a relationship. In fact, there was one couple where the woman first met her partner en-femme, and was very comfortable with that. (That's all I can say about them without going too far.)

    The question now becomes - "How do I find a partner that accepts this side of me?" Well, I don't have all the answers. But in my years of dating since I lost my wife, about half the women I met tolerated this side of me, and I'm pretty sure that one would have embraced it in time.... And one friend suggests using sites like alt.com and fetlife.com to meet people. So, it goes back to using "straight" dating sites (either breaking the news about your alternate identity after a few dates -or- posting information about it in your main profile), or to use specialty fetish sites. None of these options are ideal....

    Either way, I'll let you know what my success has been after I break the news to one woman I've been seeing. (Of course, this will get posted in my blog as well.) Maybe, if I'm successful, it will give you a path that might be a model for you....

    Marian

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  4. Well Marian the woman I broke off with 5 months ago knew about and tolerated Joanna. I am not sure that at this stage I would even want just tolerate. That usually means you can have your few hours a week but never let me see you dressed kind of stuff. So at the end I must ask myself: how many women would openly EMBRACE this? I would say a very small percentage. How would you like a woman that always dressed like a man.Its not a winning combo and so I am being realistic.

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  5. also Marian I am sexually abnormal which is another layer to add to the mix. When you add it all up I realize that its like looking for a needle in haystack. By removing the interest/desire you eliminate disappointment when you dont find...

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