There was no deliberate act of masturbation. There was unprompted release as I gazed at my feminine image in the mirror or imagined myself at some motherly task which ruined for me the purity of the experience and sent me plummeting me back down to earth in a post orgasmic thud. Yes the feelings were innocent enough but the end result deeply disappointing. I was a girl experiencing ecstacy in a body that was male.
My fate was cast - in love with women and in love with the idea of being a woman. Not a winning combination and one which would cause confusion in later years. So while I never imagined myself as the woman during intercourse with my wife, I did imagine myself to BE a desireable woman in order to perform. The distinction here being that I did not think about role reversal as much as about myself at some female activity or instantly being transformed into a woman.
This is all now hard wired. Set during formative years where our burgeoning sexuality is in it's infancy. I do now believe with 100% certainty that this cannot happen to just any boy. This happens to boys with a predisposition to want to be girls in the first place. This is where the line is drawn for me between the fetish transvestite who has no such feelings before trying on his mother's silky slip or stockings at 12 and proceeds to rub one off. He will remain closer to his male identity than a boy like me but he will continue the practice well into adulthood as part of his sexual repertoire.
All of this is based on anecdotal information, my reading over the years as well as examining my own thought processes. I don't even know what to call myself these days because labels are just that - labels.
This mistargeting segues into my recent posting on relationships. A woman desires a conventional male to desire and protect her and by virtue of this abnormality, the autogynephilic (for lack of a better term) is stuck between a rock and a hard place. This is why I am actively working towards removing any desire for a sustained relationship with any woman. She would need to accept an undesireable level of abnormality and be able to look at the person underneath. A tall order indeed.