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woman anyways....

I am at a point where, if there is to be no transition, what is left is to come to terms with my female nature. In my head I feel like a woman and if tomorrow you asked me to adapt to living as a female, I would do so in a heartbeat. Not many males on this planet would want that I reckon. In fact the vast majority would be devastated were it to happen to them.

The way I feel in my head is what counts for me at this point and the change of plumbing is not a prerequisite. So, as I have stated in a previous post, I guess I will remain a gender variant outlaw. I am already living as Joanna successfully so why rock the boat.

The other thing I have decided is to live completely honestly when it comes to the potential for one day meeting a soulmate. Should that ever happen, that person would need to accept the entire me. I would not throw Joanna away to try and fit someone's image of what a male should be. I am after all hardly conventional in that sense.

Last night I saw the film "Laurence anyways" which tells the bittersweet story of a transexual struggling to be true to who they are while trying to hold on to their soulmate. I won't reveal the ending but I recommend the film to any trans person most especially. The nature of the struggle is nicely portrayed. The film is in French but is subtitled. Well worth the effort in my opinion. Just as in real life, nothing is a given and we feel for all parties concerned; and as expected, life offers no easy answers.

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With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

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epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...
















love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…