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a person first

In order to solve the riddle of my GID I really need to think of myself as a person first and as a gender affiliation second. I am neither fully female nor fully male but simply myself; a person created by God with a variation that makes me unable to conform to a stereotype or be slotted perfectly in either camp. This is something I've had to learn on my own for no one was able to teach it while I was growing up. I think every transgender person has this type of personal journey to travel in order to feel self love and be whole. Otherwise we're just constantly failing to measure up as brother, father or husband. This process of discovery can but not necessarily lead to full transition.

This time alone has afforded me to reflect upon the nature of my identity and tend to my damaged psyche. I feel increasingly peaceful and more able to tend to the challenges and my sense of self worth has benefited as well. It has shown up both in my work life and private life in the form of an internal beacon. I have now also started to let go of the idea that my life needs completion with a partner by my side. This notion is being dispelled although I will not close the door to unexpected discoveries should I come upon them. We all need a sense of purpose and meaning in our lives and challenges like being transgender make us stronger and more resilient to face the challenges of life. I no longer see my condition as plight but instead as a gift from God

My next target is to spend a mini vacation as joanna. I have never gone away and stayed in another city as a woman. Ideally I would like to be able to meet up with a friend while there and maybe have a nice dinner or other outing. This will happen around spring time and will likely amount to a long weekend just to keep costs down. Its been a number of years since I visited Toronto so that could be a likely target.

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