Skip to main content

a person first

In order to solve the riddle of my GID I really need to think of myself as a person first and as a gender affiliation second. I am neither fully female nor fully male but simply myself; a person created by God with a variation that makes me unable to conform to a stereotype or be slotted perfectly in either camp. This is something I've had to learn on my own for no one was able to teach it while I was growing up. I think every transgender person has this type of personal journey to travel in order to feel self love and be whole. Otherwise we're just constantly failing to measure up as brother, father or husband. This process of discovery can but not necessarily lead to full transition.

This time alone has afforded me to reflect upon the nature of my identity and tend to my damaged psyche. I feel increasingly peaceful and more able to tend to the challenges and my sense of self worth has benefited as well. It has shown up both in my work life and private life in the form of an internal beacon. I have now also started to let go of the idea that my life needs completion with a partner by my side. This notion is being dispelled although I will not close the door to unexpected discoveries should I come upon them. We all need a sense of purpose and meaning in our lives and challenges like being transgender make us stronger and more resilient to face the challenges of life. I no longer see my condition as plight but instead as a gift from God

My next target is to spend a mini vacation as joanna. I have never gone away and stayed in another city as a woman. Ideally I would like to be able to meet up with a friend while there and maybe have a nice dinner or other outing. This will happen around spring time and will likely amount to a long weekend just to keep costs down. Its been a number of years since I visited Toronto so that could be a likely target.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…