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Getting real

I don’t entirely enjoy feeling stuck in the middle between genders. I look at people like Andrej Pejic the model who enjoys blurring the gender lines. But he has established an existence and gains his living in this fashion. He is getting paid to be controversial and be the media darling. People like me who have established themselves as male all of their lives can’t do a switch over or a re do. My change of gender presentation is like a mask in many ways because I am living the rest of the time as a male.

But I need not see that as being stuck. I am choosing to see it that way perhaps because of the faintest hope in rekindling a connection with someone in the future. If I were not attracted to females it would not be an issue whatsoever but, even though I need to be true to myself, I am still not ready to spend the rest of my life alone because of the way I am. Unfortunately being trans is often a prescription for membership in the “lonely hearts club band”. I just need to figure out how I can get rid of my hopes in that department. Why is my mind geared in such a fashion that I cannot accept to be alone for good?

Until I solve that riddle, I will not be truly comfortable with the way I am living my life. But I suspect it will come naturally with time.

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