Skip to main content

my public face

My public face as a woman is one of a conservative and middle aged female. As some of you have seen from my pictures I am not into the sex kitten look but instead feel I am somehow a variation of my mother. Conservative pumps and pearl earrings are the order of the day for me. With the calming effect that repeated practice has brought me I can now focus on my feelings instead of how to conceal the fact that I am a biological male in disguise (to be clear I don't see myself that way but it is a literal fact). Inside I feel female and very very happy when I am out and about and it is this happiness that will ultimately prevent me from doing anything to my body.

It appears that my venturing into the world as joanna is going to suffice in satiating my gender disphoria. I am elated for this fact because my previous doubting was causing me a great deal of concern. Disphoria requires treatment and, as Jack Molay said recently in one of his blog entries, controlled crossdressing is a very good method. When I was caving into my desires to dress up I used to think myself weak and perverted but now I realize that I was simply following the clarion call of my personal makeup (or wiring). Once this is understood, the GID sufferer can take the means necessary to treat their condition. How succesful they are depends on how debilitated they are with guilt and shame. Those fortunate enough to be unburdened with any stigma can proceed to deal with their condition in a positive and constructive way. I can still consider myself relatively fortunate in that I have come to a balance point while still young enough to benefit from the improvement in my psyche and incorporate this into my daily life.

We sufferers of GID have been hampered by a judgemental society who fears and misunderstands us and in turn we succumb to self loathing for failing to measure up to expectation. The reality of course is that we were suffer from a very real condition and not from weak will. This personal discovery has been a saving grace.

I am sitting in a cafe as I write this. Sitting next to me are people going about their business oblivious to my situation. As far as they are concerned, I am just another woman and indeed they would be correct.


  1. What about those not so lucky who cannot easily pass.

  2. I think this does go beyond passing. I am glad I do a lot of the tume but that would not stop me from what I need to do to manage this. Even when people do know I find that people are generally more understanding than they used to be

  3. I am also not making an argument for not transitioning either. I think in many cases it is warranted and if the person will be happier by doing so then all the better. I would possibly be even happier living 24/7 but this is not the time in my life to find out as it would be too turbulent...


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…