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time for the next chapter in earnest.....

While I am not certain yet whether I will ever move to another level of transition, one thing that has changed slowly over time is the way I feel about myself as a person. I don't really feel like a man. I have learnt and been trained to live as one all my life but I don't exactly feel I am one. There has always been something off with my identification as a male. As a youngster I was sensitive, shy and girly looking. I still have feminine features as an adult which now help me pass as a female. So what remains is to see where the tide takes me, I have accepted that my relationship with N is beyond reconciliation and that my kids are growing up rapidly. Living part time is allowing me to test the waters of what a full life as joanna might be like. So far it has been revealing and rewarding but questions still remain.

My own version of transition will be painstakingly slow and that's the way it needs to be. Like the slow and deliberate peeling of an orange because I have had more layers to peel off than most. An Orthodox religious upbringing frought with guilt and shame which stiffled any attraction I may have exhibited towards my femaleness.

Also any kind of relationship with a female at this stage will be frought with conflict and compromise. No one wants a person stuck between genders and focusing on another person will stall my progress. I have learnt that lesson twice now. So I am relaxed and ready to undertake the next chapter of my life.

I will pray and reflect on what needs to happen next. I have a lot of support and I feel positive about life. I also have my health. What more could I ask for.

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