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true to you..,

Be true to yourself and don't hide behind a mask. This has taken me decades to learn. Rejecting the way you were made is like saying that you are not worthy of God's love. Many of us are born with challenging circumstances and if not they are thrust upon us during our lifetimes. Being gender disphoric may be a difficult challenge but it can be overcome. The only critical key to doing this however is to learn to love yourself as you are. The lucky ones who had their difference acknowledged and accepted were able to live their early life with the self assurance that they were accepted as they were. They either transitioned or at least expressed themselves openly without fear of judgement or reprisal. However these are the minority of cases and in fairness to my parents, I never let them in on the secret due to my conforming to what was expected of me; the dutiful son who does what he's told. If I am still hiding now it's because my coming out story is still in progress.

My early childhood experiences made me fearful and mistrustful of people. I was born without a fold in my ears and they also jugged out. That allowed me to see how mean even adults could be from a very young age. I was able to understand that in order not to be mocked you needed to fit in. So my bedroom play in dresses was kept to myself. How might things be different today had my upbringing been radically different? Possibly I might be a transitioned woman today but that is only conjecture. The reason I do feel that it might be the case is based on how strong my disphoria is today. My skill set learned through self discipline is what has allowed me to manage this in silence for so long. It is slowly winning out however. My lowering my guard towards self acceptance is allowing joanna increasing space and she is taking it gladly.

Am I transitioning? yes I believe I am but in excruciatingly slow steps. You almost don't measure the progress but then you look back a year and think: "wow I am somwhere I never thought I'd be!". It's just that I am not following any standards of care or hospital program. It will move along organically, shifting and morphing as my life takes new turns. This is the only way it can be for me in order to feel comfortable. It's like entering a very hot bath where you allow each piece of skin to acclimatize to the temperature; eventually you are fully immersed and you have arrived. But this is not a race for I am discovering that it is the journey and not the final destination that matters most.


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You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

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another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…