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true to you..,

Be true to yourself and don't hide behind a mask. This has taken me decades to learn. Rejecting the way you were made is like saying that you are not worthy of God's love. Many of us are born with challenging circumstances and if not they are thrust upon us during our lifetimes. Being gender disphoric may be a difficult challenge but it can be overcome. The only critical key to doing this however is to learn to love yourself as you are. The lucky ones who had their difference acknowledged and accepted were able to live their early life with the self assurance that they were accepted as they were. They either transitioned or at least expressed themselves openly without fear of judgement or reprisal. However these are the minority of cases and in fairness to my parents, I never let them in on the secret due to my conforming to what was expected of me; the dutiful son who does what he's told. If I am still hiding now it's because my coming out story is still in progress.

My early childhood experiences made me fearful and mistrustful of people. I was born without a fold in my ears and they also jugged out. That allowed me to see how mean even adults could be from a very young age. I was able to understand that in order not to be mocked you needed to fit in. So my bedroom play in dresses was kept to myself. How might things be different today had my upbringing been radically different? Possibly I might be a transitioned woman today but that is only conjecture. The reason I do feel that it might be the case is based on how strong my disphoria is today. My skill set learned through self discipline is what has allowed me to manage this in silence for so long. It is slowly winning out however. My lowering my guard towards self acceptance is allowing joanna increasing space and she is taking it gladly.

Am I transitioning? yes I believe I am but in excruciatingly slow steps. You almost don't measure the progress but then you look back a year and think: "wow I am somwhere I never thought I'd be!". It's just that I am not following any standards of care or hospital program. It will move along organically, shifting and morphing as my life takes new turns. This is the only way it can be for me in order to feel comfortable. It's like entering a very hot bath where you allow each piece of skin to acclimatize to the temperature; eventually you are fully immersed and you have arrived. But this is not a race for I am discovering that it is the journey and not the final destination that matters most.


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"Oh please its 2016!"

I have mentioned before that I have a lovely young couple living above the unit next to mine. Well the other day as I was getting in the door, she and I overlapped for the first time with me dressed as a woman.

We had a nice conversation and at some point I mentioned the obvious which was that I had told her future husband that they might see me in a different guise from time to time so they wouldn't wonder about who the strange woman was. She just looked at me almost rolling her eyes while smiling from ear to ear and said:

"Oh Please it's 2016!"

For the record she was also very complementary regarding my choice of attire.

I could care less at this point in my life what people think but it is still lovely to see the millennial generation's freedom of spirit and acceptance so lacking in previous generations. Yes they have their own foibles, as does every generation, but this area certainly isn't one of them.

the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria

The real science as to what causes gender dysphoria still awaits.

Harry Benjamin was on to something except he didn’t have the scientific evidence to back up his suspicions hence, like a true scientist, he negated to draw conclusions. His hunch, based on treating so many patients over his lifetime, was that one is born with a predisposition to be gender dysphoric.

However, with inconclusive brain scans and no DNA marker (as of yet) we are left with believing the word of people who need help and only want to lead happy and productive lives.

The best we have been able to muster since Benjamin's death in 1986 was to amass statistics on who gets a boner imagining themselves as a woman which is in equal parts pathetic and disappointing. For this is not really science at all but is instead playing with interview data that doesn't point to anything definitive or conclusive. I have dealt with this problem at great length in my blog.

The whole thing started with Kurt Freund's obses…

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…