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true to you..,

Be true to yourself and don't hide behind a mask. This has taken me decades to learn. Rejecting the way you were made is like saying that you are not worthy of God's love. Many of us are born with challenging circumstances and if not they are thrust upon us during our lifetimes. Being gender disphoric may be a difficult challenge but it can be overcome. The only critical key to doing this however is to learn to love yourself as you are. The lucky ones who had their difference acknowledged and accepted were able to live their early life with the self assurance that they were accepted as they were. They either transitioned or at least expressed themselves openly without fear of judgement or reprisal. However these are the minority of cases and in fairness to my parents, I never let them in on the secret due to my conforming to what was expected of me; the dutiful son who does what he's told. If I am still hiding now it's because my coming out story is still in progress.

My early childhood experiences made me fearful and mistrustful of people. I was born without a fold in my ears and they also jugged out. That allowed me to see how mean even adults could be from a very young age. I was able to understand that in order not to be mocked you needed to fit in. So my bedroom play in dresses was kept to myself. How might things be different today had my upbringing been radically different? Possibly I might be a transitioned woman today but that is only conjecture. The reason I do feel that it might be the case is based on how strong my disphoria is today. My skill set learned through self discipline is what has allowed me to manage this in silence for so long. It is slowly winning out however. My lowering my guard towards self acceptance is allowing joanna increasing space and she is taking it gladly.

Am I transitioning? yes I believe I am but in excruciatingly slow steps. You almost don't measure the progress but then you look back a year and think: "wow I am somwhere I never thought I'd be!". It's just that I am not following any standards of care or hospital program. It will move along organically, shifting and morphing as my life takes new turns. This is the only way it can be for me in order to feel comfortable. It's like entering a very hot bath where you allow each piece of skin to acclimatize to the temperature; eventually you are fully immersed and you have arrived. But this is not a race for I am discovering that it is the journey and not the final destination that matters most.

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