I have always been a very complicated person. When I was young I was painfully shy and felt inadequate and nervous. It’s not that life petrified me but I was never able to be myself. To this day I don’t know what being myself really is for I was too afraid to be that; possibly for fear of being found out and singled out as a freak. I became very good at going stealth as a consequence. I had to learn to fit in.
Life moves so fast and we go from phase to phase without ever catching our breath. This period of my life will be used to settle in to defining who I am and what I want to do with the rest of my life. It is already approaching the longest time that I have ever lived completely alone and the silence has afforded me a lot of time to reflect.
I have been reading some websites on GID and transexuality and once again I see a great deal of commotion surrounding definitions like “classic transsexual” or transgender, transvestite, crossdresser, etc. One such website of a so called “classic transsexual” (not the same one I found some time back) goes to great lengths to explain why true transexualism is exceedingly rare and why GID sufferers are just men who want to wear dresses. Even if I accept that only true transsexuals know from the first moment of their self awareness that they are really women and they desire only men and need to have their bodies corrected as soon as possible, it leaves the rest of us with a conundrum – what is the source of our disphoria?. Are we women loving, late bloomers simply AGP fetishists who need to exhibit less additive behaviour? Sometimes I feel that by excluding us from the possibility that some of us may also suffer from some genetic condition, it undermines the reality of our plight. So I can understand why there are sometimes battle lines drawn between the two groups. By putting distance between themselves and the transgender community some people are trivializing our life long struggles with GID.
I sometimes get depressed thinking that my lifelong struggle would get reduced to a question of just having more will power in controlling my dressing because I suffer from a paraphilia. So when I read that on the pages of an early transitioner who is living stealth I find it insulting. We GID sufferers don’t wish them any ill will so I don’t understand why there would be any animosity returned.