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yes I know I'm no transexual....

There are those good days and then those bad ones. Today is not one of the good ones and I can’t quite put my finger on why. I did not sleep well the night before for starters but then this melancholy set in that I can’t seem to shake entirely.

I have always been a very complicated person. When I was young I was painfully shy and felt inadequate and nervous. It’s not that life petrified me but I was never able to be myself. To this day I don’t know what being myself really is for I was too afraid to be that; possibly for fear of being found out and singled out as a freak. I became very good at going stealth as a consequence. I had to learn to fit in.

Life moves so fast and we go from phase to phase without ever catching our breath. This period of my life will be used to settle in to defining who I am and what I want to do with the rest of my life. It is already approaching the longest time that I have ever lived completely alone and the silence has afforded me a lot of time to reflect.

I have been reading some websites on GID and transexuality and once again I see a great deal of commotion surrounding definitions like “classic transsexual” or transgender, transvestite, crossdresser, etc. One such website of a so called “classic transsexual” (not the same one I found some time back) goes to great lengths to explain why true transexualism is exceedingly rare and why GID sufferers are just men who want to wear dresses. Even if I accept that only true transsexuals know from the first moment of their self awareness that they are really women and they desire only men and need to have their bodies corrected as soon as possible, it leaves the rest of us with a conundrum – what is the source of our disphoria?. Are we women loving, late bloomers simply AGP fetishists who need to exhibit less additive behaviour? Sometimes I feel that by excluding us from the possibility that some of us may also suffer from some genetic condition, it undermines the reality of our plight. So I can understand why there are sometimes battle lines drawn between the two groups. By putting distance between themselves and the transgender community some people are trivializing our life long struggles with GID.

I sometimes get depressed thinking that my lifelong struggle would get reduced to a question of just having more will power in controlling my dressing because I suffer from a paraphilia. So when I read that on the pages of an early transitioner who is living stealth I find it insulting. We GID sufferers don’t wish them any ill will so I don’t understand why there would be any animosity returned.

Comments

  1. Might you provide a link to that website?

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  2. You will probably not agree with my assessment and tell me I'm being sensitive but this website seems obsessed with emphasizing the differences and the exceptional nature of so called "classic transexualism"

    http://evangelinacarters.wordpress.com/

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  3. Intersting reaction to the opinion of one woman. I am not sure i picked up the same efforts at degradation.

    I note more of a passion, "about defeating the transgender political lie that has pervaded and created gender politics".

    Why attribute your depression to the thinking of others, rather than look to yourself for the cause?

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  4. I am not attributing my depression to others. I had a bad day and I was reading something that made it a bit worse. Also for the record I disagree with the assertion that transgender people are propagating lies. It's bad enough that Anne Lawrence and Blanchard have it out for us as paraphilics so we don't need "classic transexual" exceptionalism to boot. Basically unless you know you are a woman from first conciousness, transition early and love men you are just a poor deluded transgender. Even my ex therapist at the hospital gender clinic disagrees with that type of thinking.

    Orientation and gender identification are not tied together. Read Beth Orens views on autogynephilia to understand where I'm coming from on the issue. This is not to sell myself on the idea of transition at all its more about recognizing the legitimacy of our type of GID and not dicriminating against others.

    Everyone is entitled to their opinion of course and she entitled to hers.

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  5. Also if she discounts AGP theory as being a lot of baloney and not applicable to classic TSs then it must not apply to us either.

    I find it odd that on the one hand Lawrence thinks she is mentally ill and then proposes transition as a viable treatment for advanced disphorics like herself.

    I don't think I am mentally ill. I feel that I am on a lower echelon of the GID scale and that transexuals are on the extreme end of that scale. Of course that's not a popular theory with "classic transexuals". Given a choice between being a gay male or a woman I'd choose a woman everytime especially if my brain was already wired that way. Those of us who start off being drawn to girls try to ignore our GID and fix ourselves. We marry and have children and it all catches up to us later. That very fact does not disqualify many of us from being candidates for transition in my opinion.

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  6. Who exactly are you trying to convince? You certainly do not need my approval. The reality, (or fantasy), is yours for the making. The consequences are yours. The responsibility is yours and yours alone.

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  7. I am indeed trying to convince myself by making counter arguments against things I don't agree with. I do that a lot in this blog as it is essentially my thought process put to paper (metaphorically speaking)....

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  8. My mind requires me to try and understand the nature of GID. Maybe it's my way of coming to terms with what I used to think was my weakness in not having more will power to defeat it...

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  9. I understand, (I think). Perhaps a good place to start might be to try to understand the meaning of the words, Gender Identity Disorder, and how that relates to you.

    Trying to make sense of the "theories" of Blanchard, Bailey, Zucker and Lawrence is like try to make sense of fanciful wishful thinking and self serving "research", IE "gender politics".

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  10. I think it might have been easier had I been born a girl because that's where my mind wants to go. At this late stage of my life however making a change would be too disruptive. So I will test the waters and if Joanna is meant to exist 24/7 then she will eventually win. It helps that I don't require hormones to pass and that I have already established a public identity as a woman. The only thing remaing is to get rid of any nagging doubts that this is something I can fix in order to be "normal". Is this a natural state or do I have an illness?

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  11. I dunno. The fact that you feel so strongly that, "that this is something I can fix in order to be "normal"....implies that 'something', might be seriously amiss.

    Your belief that, " We GID sufferers don’t wish them any ill will so I don’t understand why there would be any animosity returned."...Is a serious denial of reality.

    The greatest insult is the equation of transvestic cross-dressers with transsexuals. It goes rapidly down hill from there.

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  12. I am afraid that I don't follow your logic here. I don't think anyone wants to be different or abnormal. I was told at the hospital gender clinic that the patients most vehemently resisting the idea of transition are the ones that most often go through with it.

    But you don't seem to understand that I'm very little interested in labels. The only thing I know is that I have been drawn towards wanting to be a girl my entire waking existence. How I grapple with its intensification is why I write this blog. I don't care about what a true transexual is versus a tranvestite. That is specifically the gender politics you were referring to. I also know that for me its not a simple matter of doing my monthly dress up day in a motel room. Thanks for the feedback,,,

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  13. Are you not one of those, "most vehemently resisting the idea of transition?

    You say that regularly, yet you seem to be constantly toying with the idea.

    Just my personal observation.

    And...you are more than welcome to my feedback.

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  14. Yes that's what worries me in fact. I am so increasingly comfortable as joanna that I feel at some point my continued well being will involve me transitioning. I am not sure I agree with the concept of transition as a viable option for me since I have so many taboos surrounding it (iie. Religious bias drilled into me etc). If I were a gay man i'd be looking for a cure too because I was taught that was also wrong. So I continue to grapple and by living as I do flirt on the borderline hoping to never need to. I know that probably makes no sense to you...

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