Skip to main content

becoming more certain all the time

These days, I am very firm on the idea of never transitioning and it is related to my renewed sense of self. I am now defining myself in a way I had previously thought impossible and can be more emphatic in this certainty.

Of course it helps that I don’t require surgery or hormones to present as a woman but it’s more than just that. By allowing myself to be and present more female in my daily life, I have learnt to understand why I still appreciate my other side and have begun to forge the dividing line between the two aspects of my personality that make me who I am. This would not have been possible without letting Joanna have her way for a while and truly breathe. I have finally found a peace of mind that I have never before known.

In spite of its inherent challenges, I am more positive about life because this one unsolved area was my Achilles heel. It had been the one mystery I could never solve because I never allowed myself to.

Transition may be a way to find peace for many but so is not transitioning. I was not sure which way I should lean for a while and this blog revealed that uncertainty in its dialogue. My relationship woes with my girlfriend were also helping to muddy the waters and the anxiety I experienced from that was highly palpable. It was not until I spent some time on my own that things started to clear up for me.

The next steps will be more concrete. I want to take a mini vacation as Joanna and experience 3 or 4 days on my own fully living the feminine experience as a woman. This is something I have done in spurts in the past but it has not surpassed one day at a time.

I am truly looking forward to the spring this year.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…