When the time comes to tell someone it should also exclude a sense of shame or guilt about who you are. After all we did not choose to be this way. We did not choose to be this way anymore than we chose our eye colour or our height. But for decades we persist in thinking that through behaviour modification, we can eradicate all traces of our condition. Eventually the message gets through but not after having suffered the slings and arrows of self doubt and depression that comes from failing to adhere to our own self imposed prison of discipline. “We must never dress again” we tell ourselves but things only seem to intensify with time. It’s only when we realize that we don’t need to fight our own natures that we can actually tend to facing who we are in a realistic manner.
If I want to accomplish anything with my blog it’s that – to impart to any who read it that you are not alone and that you should not feel guilt for being who you are.
I could now never be with anyone who does not accept who I am fully. This does not mean that I would not compromise my behaviour slightly in order to please that other person. However I would not apologize for needing to dress and express who I am even if that person did not desire to participate in my activities as Joanna.
As a result of all this reflection, I am even closer to defining my limits and where I sit on the transgender scale. I am not a closet dresser content to stay at home, nor am I the once a month outing crossdresser who goes to meetings or drag shows with other TGs. I am more of a gender variant hybrid between male and female who (very likely) will remain biologically male but will express myself in the world as both.
It’s becoming simpler to find my comfort zone and in so doing I am honing in on my true sense of self.