I feel I am struggling instead of just living one day at a time and discovering myself as I go. This is unfortunately part of my nature. I seem to need certainty and control, but there is none of that here instead a lot of greys.
It’s interesting to note that after a particularly wonderful day like yesterday, when I was able to spend the day fully en femme, I still come down to earth with a small thud. Yes I am giving myself a break and trying not to be too self punishing but the elements of small guilt are still there. That’s not going to be workable if I feel bad about being who I am. Therefore there is still work to be done.
I mean its simple right? My GID is going nowhere and there is (to my knowledge) no known cure. So I need to manage it and the only way I know how is to cross dress. Without this escape valve I would be far more tempted to transition. The pressure would just build and build.
So I am in a period of discovery and am on an ocean with no known port of call to aim for. I have only a set of guidelines I am following (not in order of importance):
• My GID is not curable
• I need to less tough on myself and be more forgiving
• I need to let go and let God work in my life
• I need to have my kids welfare be my main focus
• I need to find balance my male and female sides
• I need to fully give up on the idea of a relationship
I am having the most difficulty with the second and the last one.
The second one will take a bit of time and I will eventually succeed with it.
The relationship instinct is like a reflex because its human nature to love and be loved. My situation, however, is just not workable because it runs counter current to the expectations of the opposite sex. I would be spending a lot of time compromising and justifying my natural instincts and activity to someone who would be incapable of understanding. Even someone as sympathetic as my ex girlfriend could not live with a person like me as I fell short of her expectations for a normal male partner.
I will eventually let this last one sink in as well.