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the way I am...

I am, by my own admission, a complex person. In the negative connotation this can mean complicated and liable to over think and tend towards a kind of masochism. When I was young I was nervous and shy and not particularly confident and it took me many years to try and overcome these issues. To this day, although some people might not agree, I am still a shy person. I have just learnt to compensate for my shyness in order to function in my line of work where it cannot be on display. I do often need to speak in a room full of people. I believe that I am now good at it but it has taken effort on my part to get there.

On the positive side I am a thinker and I enjoy that. I am educated and relatively well read and have an analytical mind. I need to understand things before accepting them at face value. Although I am a spiritual person and believe in God, I am not particularly religious in the conventional sense. I don’t follow the dictates of the Pope or hang on the latest pronouncement of the Catholic Church on some issue. In fact, my understanding of the fallacies of human nature prevents me from getting overly attached to any group. I always have been, and am to this day, my own person.

I am, by in large, a bit of a loner because my disdain for small talk and what the masses think is important have necessitated a kind of estrangement from popular culture. One both suffers and benefits from being this way because although you sometimes feel that you are benefiting from certain intellectual advantages you are also setting yourself apart from others. I certainly don’t laugh as readily as some do or delight in trivial things as much and that sometimes leads to isolation. This is the nature of life in that there are often two sides to everything.

My father was an intellectual and my mother a pragmatic woman with an intrinsic wisdom about life and its challenges. That combination instilled in me both a studious mind and an appreciation for the grittier realities of life. I was taught how to think but also how to fend for myself in the day to day rigour that one requires to keep one’s boat steady and afloat. I owe them both an immense amount of gratitude.

Sometimes I wonder if that particular combination of strong omnipresent mother with slightly distant intellectual father combined to forge the sociological component of my wanting to be a girl.
I’ll never know the answer but I can’t help but think about it sometimes. I suspect it’s the way I’m wired.

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