Skip to main content

Good Friday...

Yesterday was Good Friday and I was weighing going to the mass. It's traditionally a long and solemn service. I am not a lapsed catholic but I don't follow church doctrine to the letter either. The message I ingested over my lifetime was that I needed to fix myself and God could never accept me as I was.

That was what I ingested, but I no longer think that way. Man interprets God and messes it up everytime. If you're gay, lesbian or transgender you are by your very nature a sinner and must recant and repent. But if God made me this way why he not find me lovable. Of course this is precisely the point and why I no longer let misguided religious fanatics get in the way of a relationship with God.

It took me years to forgive myself for being the way I am and the whole time God loved me just as I am. Man, woman, both who cares; we are all children of the same creator and we are equally loved. This simple message brings great healing and internal peace. Why didn't I realize this sooner is an unfortunate symptom of my upbringing coupled with my own limitations as a human being.

But we can change, grow and develop. This fact now brings me great comfort and joy as I embark on the journey that is the rest of my life.

I ended up meeting Sabrina at 3 pm from our originally scheduled 1 pm so finally I never got to the service. I must say I have not missed many of these services over my life so I am sure I am forgiven. She is a lovely girl and we spent a very worthwhile 2 hours together.

Comments

  1. It has been, in part, my religious views and the belief that "God does not make mistakes" that has given me peace and acceptance as a dual gendered person.
    Pax
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you pat...I could not agree more....

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi, Joanne! You say that you "not a lapsed catholic but I don't follow church doctrine to the letter either." You go on to say "If you're gay, lesbian or transgender you are by your very nature a sinner and must recant and repent." I'm not sure which church or denomination this is from but it definitely isn't Catholic.

    Technically, we ALL have sinful natures and we are supposed to repent of our sins. We repent of our sins because we have sinful natures. And the church is filled with sinners.

    Why would you need to be forgiven missing out on Good Friday? It is not a Catholic obligation... Do you go to one of the "reformed" or "trad" churches? Just wondering...

    Robyn

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…