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there's surely a meaning...

I was looking over really old emails between myself and N from 2009 and they were making feel a little nostaligic. The tone of the texts were so full of promise and happiness. They were full of what could have been.

It's so interesting where life takes us sometimes. We just never know where we're going to land. It's like being in a movie where the plot shifts and turns and nothing seems in any way predictable.

If you had asked me decades ago where I pictured my life going, I would never have imagined where I would be today and how much my disphoria would have had a hand in shaping my destiny.

I watched a brief film about the life of Katherine Cummings this morning and it made me feel sad. She loved her family but her disphoria was too powerful. So faced at age 52 with suicide versus transition, she chose to forge ahead with her GRS. There was a poignancy in the video and a measureable loneliness in her that came through as she spoke.

If there is a meaning to our suffering, then I suppose it will have been worthwhile in the end. Sometimes its not always clear that such meaning exists for me.


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Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

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She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

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Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

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Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

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Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

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Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…