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a time to trust

Time to let go of the reins.

I've been fighting upstream all of my life; trying to control everything. I have never accepted myself as is. That has now started to change but ever so slowly.

Its also time to trust that God has a plan.

It starts with absolute acceptance of who you are and have always been. Its not about a vagina and breasts either. Who you are is between the ears. My brain tells me I'm a woman. It does not matter because who you are is so much more than about gender. Being who you are involves risk in letting people see the real you and not a fabricated caricature.

To a large extent my life has been about living up to expectation and pretending. But there have been choices made. I was married and I had children. I have a good career. I need that part of my life to remain healthy and vibrant. I need to see my kids to adulthood.

The lesson I just learnt in my 3 year relationship is that its hard to be who you are and fit to someone's expectation of a male while trying to parent children unwelcome to your partner. Some of the compromises I made I will never make again even if that likely means I'll be alone for good.

We are human beings and we are highly adaptable creatures. Also life is short and full of delusions. when we are young we feel falsely empowered but we learn through the hardships and unpredictability that not all is as it seems. We are humbled by the fragility of everything around us and begin to appreciate the little miracles of the mundane; we are healthy, we can move and we draw breath every day.

I am indeed fortunate and try to remind myself of that fact when I get down.


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another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…