Skip to main content

you are not to blame

When it finally started to sink in that I suffer from gender disphoria and am not a fetishist, everything started to fall into place for me. I had tried everything and my habit of desiring to emulate a woman was not going away. So what was my problem? The answer was simple: I suffer from GID.

Once I understood that I was not to blame I could shed the shame and guilt and actually begin to explore the feelings behind my attraction to my femininity. This is the key discovery for every gender disphoric. It is the epiphany that allows us to begin scratching beyond the surface or looking behind the proverbial curtain. It took me a long time to accept this piece of information but I am not entirely sure why. I suspect that my religious upbringing coupled with the guilt that accompanied the sexual arousal patterns of my crossdressing past that helped muddy the waters. This kept me in constant state of penance and mea culpas everytime I succumbed to the urge to put on a dress.

But how could this be? I had no other vices; nothing I couldn't kick if I really wanted to. Again its simple: being trans is not something one asks for. You either are or you're not. What remains is understanding how you proceed the rest of your life with your condition. Will you sink or swim?

I am swimming right now and hoping that things get clearer and clearer all the time. I keep myself honest and try to dig deep all the while remembering that I am not to blame for my condition but I will be should i fail to manage it.

The only known current treatment for gender disphoria is HRT and I don't want to go that route so I have abandoned the gender program at the hospital. They are just running a series of red lights to ensure that transitions are earnest and genuine but if have no plans to transition the program becomes unnecessary. I will instead focus on getting psychological counselling from time to time as needed.

I always try to remember that while I am not biologically a woman, my brain tries to tell me that I am. You need to find your own way to grapple with that daily incongruency and if you find one that works, then go with it.


  1. Are you saying you are or are not sexually aroused by feminization?

  2. No I am but just with decreasing intensity most likely as my testosterone decreases with age. This phenomenon has allowed me to see that as the sexual component wanes, the true feelings remain strong and actually increase.

  3. You seem to be privileging the dysphoria beyond the sexual mediation which likely historically constitutes it?

    Is not every object of sexual arousal necessarily internalized as a psychological longing for fulfilment? Is this longing not parallel to what one who is aroused by feminization, often calls "dysphoria"?

    Surely the psychology of dysphoria shouldn't be assumed to not figure apart from one's psychological construction. Also it shouldn't be assumed that sexual desire does not historically figure along that very construction?

  4. Well I agree they don't exist in isolation. What I believe is that the cross gender wiring is already present at birth and as the disphoric enters puberty and sexual feelings begin to arise, we confuse the original feelings with our now burgeoning sexuality. I have been this way since I remember and my feelings pre date my orgasms in a dress that came later. However I became convinced that I was doing something deviant once the sexual activity commenced. The innocence was replaced by paraphilia. This stage confuses most trans people and makes them question the validity of their cross gender feelings

  5. My own journey began with dreams around about 4-6 years of age, which were accompanied by a wonderful yet strange feeling. It was in puberty with the conceptualization of sexuality and the discovery of masturbation that I recognised that very "feeling" as sexual arousal. It doesn't seem to be the case that kinks like this require such preconditions, like the superfluous requirement of transgenderism in order to develop sexualized emasculation trauma. Myself, I can not appeal to brain hardwiring, as what we actually experience becomes too abstract and meaningless in such terms. And even when analysing what we do experience, it is in the form of, I like football therefore I feel masculine, I feel masculine because I like football, football is masculine by virtue of my culture, masculinity is constituted by the style one happens to oppose it to femininity etc

  6. Ok so its only a kink for you. My own experience starts around the same age with a feeling of well being and being connected to the feminine. To this day I enjoy going out as a woman and behaving as one for hours on end with not so much as an erection. If it were purely a kink then I might be in a sexy french maid uniform rubbing one off. So my own self examination has led me to connect to deeper feelings than solely sex based. No one has the cause for transgenderism but that jcem study back in 2000 pointed to brain regional differences in transexuals being closer to females than males.

    I also think that if it were only sexually based I would have been able to stop by now. I spent decades trying to do just that but to no avail.

    After 50 years of grappling with this, I am convinced there is a precondition involved.

  7. But pre wiring also manifests itself in character traits that you yourself can attest to everyday. Your flight rather than fight instincts, the way you react to certain situations versus someone else. There might be some hard coding in your brain that just makes you want to emulate a woman. If your feelings go back to age 4 and your're still like this today, I'd put my money on some sort of pre existing condition that you possess that the person next to you does not.

  8. Fact is the vast majority of males on this planet get no kicks all from being feminized. Why do some of us from earliest memory revel in this activity? There is no answer for this in science at the present time...

  9. I expect that there may be two aspects as to why I have not internalized what I am aroused by. The first being that I happened to recognise that sexual arousal was the condition of the experiences, and the second is was in understanding that the humiliation fantasy themes presented social or self esteem as another condition. This was the historical psychological context of the sexual experience for me, but if I had happened to think about it in other terms, for example if I historically thought of the experience as simply as "enjoying being girly", than that could be enough for key psychological investments which could eventually manifest as a deep seated general desire/depression (dysphoria).

    I see that any sexual longing has the same circumstances when immersing in the object of desire, without necessary explicit sexual arousal. The difference between direct sexual mediation, and the necessary wider psychological longing to fulfil that desire. That all desire is connected with everything along our historical psychological emergence.

    An ignorance in general society is the failure to appreciate how one happens to think, is substantially constituted by how one has happened to think. Like sexual desire, food isn't simply left at the table. Food can be a passion, a love.

    One's historical psychology is always emerging and reconstituting itself. A love for something can eventually decontextualise, but in the case of a fixed sexualized structure, it's presence can serve to reinforce it's wider psychological presence.

    Where one's psychology is the condition for severe depression regarding something like homesickness or guilt, so it should account for the substantial conditions for trans psychologies.

    I am sure that I share the same psychological precondition as any other masochistic or autophilic fetishist would have, like a cuckold. An early sensitivity to which anxiety(psychological trauma) is itself sexualized and becomes the object of sexual arousal. What is known as a defence mechanism. The condition of any manifestation or theme within a fantasy is that very anxiety.

  10. Your desire to be feminized which is your longing I would argue is that very disphoria I am arguing for. But no matter, because you should revel and celebrate who you are and not necessarily need to understand the source of this longing.

    I have a long history of repression, shame and guilt that you seem not to possess. I think that is a very wonderful thing and I am happy to see younger generations grappling with this condition in a much healthier way.

  11. I agree that dysphoria can be constituted as (or at least confused with) an aching longing, parallel to the fulfilment of any sexual desire. Where such a universal longing becomes problematic with particular objects of sexual desire.

    I see that it is something sexual like any other, which doesn't presuppose any trans preconditions, but does itself have the psychological conditions to actively influence a dysphoric mindset.

    I am extremely interested in why I am aroused by such things and how it all works, so understanding is very important to me. Soon after the excited discovery of AGP and crossdreaming, was an irritation with the crudeness with much of the AGP theorising and crossdreaming's ridiculous ideological aim of reduction to transsexualism.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Oh please its 2016!"

I have mentioned before that I have a lovely young couple living above the unit next to mine. Well the other day as I was getting in the door, she and I overlapped for the first time with me dressed as a woman.

We had a nice conversation and at some point I mentioned the obvious which was that I had told her future husband that they might see me in a different guise from time to time so they wouldn't wonder about who the strange woman was. She just looked at me almost rolling her eyes while smiling from ear to ear and said:

"Oh Please it's 2016!"

For the record she was also very complementary regarding my choice of attire.

I could care less at this point in my life what people think but it is still lovely to see the millennial generation's freedom of spirit and acceptance so lacking in previous generations. Yes they have their own foibles, as does every generation, but this area certainly isn't one of them.

the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria

The real science as to what causes gender dysphoria still awaits.

Harry Benjamin was on to something except he didn’t have the scientific evidence to back up his suspicions hence, like a true scientist, he negated to draw conclusions. His hunch, based on treating so many patients over his lifetime, was that one is born with a predisposition to be gender dysphoric.

However, with inconclusive brain scans and no DNA marker (as of yet) we are left with believing the word of people who need help and only want to lead happy and productive lives.

The best we have been able to muster since Benjamin's death in 1986 was to amass statistics on who gets a boner imagining themselves as a woman which is in equal parts pathetic and disappointing. For this is not really science at all but is instead playing with interview data that doesn't point to anything definitive or conclusive. I have dealt with this problem at great length in my blog.

The whole thing started with Kurt Freund's obses…

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…