Once I understood that I was not to blame I could shed the shame and guilt and actually begin to explore the feelings behind my attraction to my femininity. This is the key discovery for every gender disphoric. It is the epiphany that allows us to begin scratching beyond the surface or looking behind the proverbial curtain. It took me a long time to accept this piece of information but I am not entirely sure why. I suspect that my religious upbringing coupled with the guilt that accompanied the sexual arousal patterns of my crossdressing past that helped muddy the waters. This kept me in constant state of penance and mea culpas everytime I succumbed to the urge to put on a dress.
But how could this be? I had no other vices; nothing I couldn't kick if I really wanted to. Again its simple: being trans is not something one asks for. You either are or you're not. What remains is understanding how you proceed the rest of your life with your condition. Will you sink or swim?
I am swimming right now and hoping that things get clearer and clearer all the time. I keep myself honest and try to dig deep all the while remembering that I am not to blame for my condition but I will be should i fail to manage it.
The only known current treatment for gender disphoria is HRT and I don't want to go that route so I have abandoned the gender program at the hospital. They are just running a series of red lights to ensure that transitions are earnest and genuine but if have no plans to transition the program becomes unnecessary. I will instead focus on getting psychological counselling from time to time as needed.
I always try to remember that while I am not biologically a woman, my brain tries to tell me that I am. You need to find your own way to grapple with that daily incongruency and if you find one that works, then go with it.