Skip to main content

blaming God. ..

As a practicing Catholic I will speak on a subject that some of you may bristle at. If you don't believe in God or have always had a more lucid vision growing up you probably won't relate to my words.

My formative years were spent in a very religiously observant family. Being gay, for example, was seen as something aberrant and even as a choice by the individual. I did not know better because these were the messages I was receiving and ingesting. I knew I was different and I became increasingly frustrated at my inability to conform and be "normal".

I think I blamed God.

How could this happen to me and why was I not being assisted in eradicating this anomaly. Why was I not strong enough to defeat this desire to be a woman? So I fought hard. I fought and ignored and purged and purged some more. I pushed back as hard as I knew how. God was not helping me in my efforts to comply and be normal; all the while the feelings getting stronger and harder to ignore.

It all blew up in my face 6 years ago.

What I have learnt in that time? It was not God that was to blame for my suffering. I was suffering the slings and arrows of my own repression. God made me perfect and beautiful and I chose to ignore it. Instead I ingested intolerance and bias borne of the stupidity and ignorance of humankind.

So my focus has changed.

I am at peace with myself and with God. It should have happened sooner but on the other hand I had kind and loving parents who, had they understood the nature of my situation, would have loved and supported me regardless. The choice to remain silent was entirely my own.

My relationship with God has been renewed and although I am not a dogmatic Catholic, I have an internal spiritual life. I have learnt to love others more as well because when you have a splinter in your own soul, the effort required to tend to it distracts you from looking outward.

I am a renewed person.

Comments

  1. Hi, Joanna! You are a "practicing Catholic" but not a "dogmatic Catholic"? If you aren't practicing "dogma", what are you practicing? You have an "internal spiritual life". What about an external spiritual life?

    As for me, I learned at a young age about "ask and you will receive..." So I asked and asked and asked God to "fix" me. I tried bargaining with him, pleading with him, anything to get him to give me what I am asking for. When he didn't come through, it meant that either God was mean and lied to me, he doesn't care about me, or there is no God. It was easier not care if there is a God or if he is listening so it made it very easy for me to dump religion completely for a number of years.

    Robyn

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Robyn,

    I mean by this that I do not swallow every Papal dictate that comes my way. I use my intelligence and my discernment when I evaluate things and if they don't make sense then I dont follow it. Galileo was right and the earth was'nt flat but the church was wrong. This is what I am saying.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Actually, Galileo was only sort of right... He thought the earth revolved around the sun (correct) but could not prove it and believed the sun was center of the universe (wrong). It wasn't until Newton that all this astronomy stuff was figured out. (And the Church accepted what Newton said...) Galileo insisted that the Church teach the Bible differently like the sun doesn't rise in the East and it doesn't really set in the West. (Funny how WE go against Galileo and still say this!) Copernicus had theorized the same thing Galileo did many years before Galileo but he did not insist on changing the Bible. Was the Church wrong to wait until Galileo's theory could be verified?

    I am impressed that you take the time to read and discern the various papal dictates. Not many people have the time or the inclination as they just read or hear something in the news and then make a snap judgement on it right then.

    However, you do know that as a Catholic, Catholics cannot pick and choose what they want to follow and what they don't. Why bother being a Catholic (or anything else) if you don't agree with them?

    This doesn't mean that you have to blindly accept everything Catholic... Being a Catholic is like being a member of an auto club. They provide very good detailed maps on how to get to your destination. But you may not agree with their directions and decide to make up your own map. Whenever you run off the road, they come and get you out of the ditch. The tow truck drivers might also give you some advice about getting back onto the right road which you can ignore if it doesn't make sense. At some point if you study the map close enough you might understand why certain roads were chosen for your trip.

    You might feel more at home attending a Protestant denomination or a non-denominational church that much more closely aligns with your thinking. It would be like belonging to an auto club where their maps are a blank sheet of paper and a pen. You draw the road you want to travel. You will always be on your right road. They might help you if you run off the road but they won't be able to point you in the right direction...

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…