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coming to terms with everything...

I have now come to a point in my personal struggles with my gender disphoria when I am at peace with it. I no longer have anything to prove or legitimize to myself and hopefully my way forward will be filled with a more positive outlook as I now have an identity as a woman that I am pleased with.

My demeanour, confidence and level of contentment have dramatically improved as I have begun to solve the riddle that has been my life.

I am dealing with my reality as it is now. If I were 30 years younger and with the same knowledge I have today I might be very tempted to transition. I am happy as Joanna and I feel often that I would enjoy my life as a female. But the present compromise works.

I have learnt more about myself in the last nine months than during the previous 49 years combined. The introspection and the solitude have permitted me to wrestle with my personal demons.

I have even almost solved the riddle of wanting companionship but this one will be the longest to come to terms with. As I have said a number of times now, there is no point in searching for that which by necessity must come on its own or not at all. A gender disphoric does not advertise and to be truthful my heart is just not into a long, laborious and potentially fruitless search.

In my previous life my search for a life partner was forced and inorganic. I have now learnt that embarking on such a journey without understanding who you are is at best a pointless exercise. I am also proud of who I am and would never settle for less than someone who appreciates me for who I truly am. A tall order it may be but the alternative of the single life is not the worst thing that could befall a person and I intend to fill the vacuum with activities and friends.

This blog will continue because, besides being highly therapeutic, I have enjoyed the discourse and the comments I have received. I also hope it helps others who might be in the process of discovering themselves.

No one should live under the kind of internal pressure that I grew up with. If I can help one person then this public testament will have been worthwhile.

Comments

  1. Joanna -

    Life is very confusing, isn't it? We yearn for companionship, but because of one quirk, it's much harder for us.

    M

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm afraid that's the way it has to be. But the way I try to see it now is if and when I ever end up with someone it will truly be someone who loves me for me. I have come to that point of no return...thanks for your comment...

    ReplyDelete

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