Skip to main content

complete honesty?

I am virtually fearless now. There is no dress shop, shoe store, restaurant or coffee shop where I won't present as myself. There is the soothing comfort that comes with being true to yourself that acts as a shield against your previous fears. Once the tigress has been uncaged she must run and be free. Suppression will not be allowed to win the day.

It feels odd to say that - "as myself"..... I've been petrified of owning that phrase because it previously was synonymous with failure.

But does "myself" mean eventually living full time? Can I make it to retirement as a hybrid? I am going to do my best to make that happen. Firstly I love where I work. I have been there almost 11 years and making such a radical transformation at this stage would be very hard on my psyche. Secondly and more importantly I don't want to upset the apple cart for my kids. Their life to date has already been challenging enough with the divorce. My son's recent bout of anxiety and his innate sensitivity make it even harder to even consider such a drastic move.

How am I going to feed my desire to transition? I will expand Joanna's existence even more and fully take advantage of my time spent as a woman. I am making friends and expanding my social circle. This has up to know involved my lying to people as I attempted to prove to myself that such an existence was even feasible. After all, I have never taken hormones.

In any event I always tell people the truth about myself, my feelings, my family, etc. with one noteable exception - that I was not born female.

But is that important? If I am being my true self with them is that technically important? I continue to debate this internally as I live one day at a time. It will be hard to do an about face with these people. Indeed, there is only one in the dozen or so contacts that I keep in touch with who knows the truth.

I lived in dishonesty with myself for so long. Is this something I want to continue to encourage in a new form?

This girl has some thinking to do....

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…